A letter to my husband

I normally wouldn't want to publicize a personal letter to my husband but I feel that tonight it is one to remember. It is one that will shed light on how it is to be a stay at home mom during the rough times. There is no sugar coating. It is real. It is raw. It is life.

Imagine this:

You spend the night at work. At 8am you get woken up by a driver calling you and yelling at you. It's frustrating to have people demanding you to be wide awake when all you want is a few minutes of quiet to properly wake up. You get this particular situation handled just to have another one arise. Two hours after waking you are finally able to get something to eat but not anything nurishing because you have been too busy caring for others needs and don't have much time to take care of your own. After a few hours the phones finally quiet down and you think that you can finally have some time to answer emails, and work on other things that didn't need an immediate response. Just when you get into the groove and are accomplishing something, the phone rings, then rings again, then rings again. There is no one to help you. You are it. You have to decide what order things need done and what things can be pushed aside till someone is there to help you. Finally at 4:30pm help arrives. You have been so busy, tired and frustrated. It is wonderful to see someone walk in the door, not only for the relief you know they will bring but also for someone to talk to cause you have handled many stresses throughout the day. But just when you feel the weight lifted off your shoulders, Jim leaves to work on QualCom. You are frustrated but know that what he is doing is important as well so you try to ignore your frustration. When he comes back a couple hours later, you ask him for help. Not cause you can't do it yourself but because you are exhausted, need quiet, and just need a few moments to yourself. You step outside knowing that he will handle things for you. You return a few minutes later to find that in fact he has not taken care of the things you asked, but instead is playing around on his phone. So you get back to work, take care of things and go on with your day. Later on you again ask for help. Once again Jim ignores your request and does what he wants rather than help you. Finally around 8pm the office is quiet. While there is work to be done, you decide that you deserve some time to relax. After 20min of relaxing you remember that you have some things to prepare for a company party coming up. It is time to get back to work, but on different things. Even though you are tired and want to go to bed, you know that it is necessary to do these things so you do it and are just happy to at least not have to deal with the phones. After a few hours the phone rings. Jim is not there cause he was tired too and went for a break. So you must stop what you are doing and take care of the important phone call. Thirty minutes later, the problem is solved and you again can have your alone time. Since it is now after 1am you decide that you must call it a day because you know that this day, while a bit different, will start all over again in 6 hours.

I hope that this will help you to realize how I feel. I love my job, just as you love yours. But my job does not give me breaks, coworkers to help me, set hours that I don't have to be at work, or sick time off. I don't have time away from my "clients". I don't even get a paycheck for my long exhausting hours of work. I am extremely thankful that you let me stay home and raise our children. The rewards for our family are amazing. But right now I am just going through an extremely rough time as a stay at home mom. The ages that our children are is really tough. It is tough to do what I need to do and also take care of a rambunctious two year old. I need help. I need support. I need to feel appreciated. I need you to acknowledge what I do, how hard it is, and to be there for me in the evenings. I don't need you to be distant, playing on your phone, or ignoring what I ask you to do. I love that you love playing with our kids. But when I have asked for you to start putting them to bed is not the time to get them wound up. I would greatly appreciate if you could learn to see my needs and help meet them. If I ask for you to do something, then that is a direct clue that I NEED it done. Please try harder to do these things, not cause you don't want to get in trouble but because you love me and know that I need your help. By you meeting these needs and doing what I ask, I feel appreciated and loved. I feel like you care.

I am sorry I have been so busy working on Christmas stuff and that I am frustrated almost every day when you get home. I don't like these things any more than you do. I truly hope that I can regain control over the craziness of life but at this moment it seems near impossible. Please just bear with me through this, support me and love me.