What is Modesty?

If I were to ask "What is modesty?" nearly every person would have a different answer. This is a question I have been thinking a lot about, but before I jump to the present, let me go to the past for a bit...

Growing up, I never really thought about modesty. In my teenage years I became more modest, though I think it had to do more with low self-esteem than covering to be modest. As I gained confidence, my clothes became cuter, I wore more makeup, and eventually skimpier clothes. When I met my (now) husband, he never mentioned my clothes and was a perfect gentleman. We were friends for months and he never said a word about my clothing until we were officially dating. Just a couple months into our relationship, he refused to allow me to leave my house until I put something over a low cut top. This was the first time I saw him protective over my body. At the time I found it funny. At the time, though I had always heard "you don't know what it does to a guy", I didn't fully understand what that was.

Years later, I heard about how many men struggle with being too drawn to visual stimuli. After reading books about it, I began to fully understand why men are so protective over the women in their lives. Men aren't trying to stifle us women, they are trying to protect us, and themselves.

Shortly after becoming more aware of the issues surrounding how women attract men, we changed the clothing rules in our home. No shorts or skirts shorter than two inches above the knee. If it is shorter, then there must be another layer underneath that provides full coverage. Simple enough, but still, my daughter (age 5 at the time) received many questions from friends about why her shorts were so long. As a mom, I heard many comments similar to "it shouldn't matter, boys don't look at this age anyways." Well, as a mom, I wanted our rules to just stay consistent, not have to change once her body started changing when she got older.

Fast forward to the present time. Boys are noticing my oldest girl, now almost age nine. My six year old son is already noticing girls and has for awhile. So, yes, boys this young ARE noticing girls, and YES it is important for my daughters to dress modestly.

Have I been a good example of this? Not really. Yes, I have stuck to the household rules about the length of skirts and shorts, but we forgot a major part. We forgot to really think about modest tops. While I was aware of this, and made sure not to wear anything too low cut, I didn't make sure that it was providing full coverage at all times. See, us women tend to look in the mirror straight on. That is not a clear view of how men see us when we move around.

I have heard many many times things along the lines of "not my problem, I am dressed okay, if he is lusting then that's his problem". Though I used to think the same thing, I do not any longer. Just recently I had a huge change of thinking on this, and here is a little story about why:
Recently, I was at church, very hot, and sweating badly underneath under my sweater. Since my sweater was so extremely modest, I completely forgot that what was underneath was not modest at all.  While in a hallway with just a few people, I unbuttoned my sweater and started fanning myself, without ever looking down. Then I saw a guy coming from the other direction, his eyes widened, and he turned and ducked back into another room. I instantly realized what I had done, turned and went into a nearby bathroom to cool off.

I have already learned that once men see something, it can be hard for them to erase that image. Guys are extremely visual. God made them that way. God made them to enjoy looking at a woman's body. However, I don't believe that men should be able to lust over every woman's body that comes around. Yes they will see them. Yes they will be tempted. But what happens if us women take the responsibility upon ourselves to help the guys with this temptation? What happens if we realize that us women are the ones partially causing the men to sin? What happens if we think of modesty as not only respecting ourselves and our spouse, but also the men and their wives that we are tempting by not dressing modestly? Am I responsible for any possible lusting or visual distraction I gave that man at church in that hallway? Yes, I am 100% responsible for any impure thoughts or images he may have had. He would not have had them at that moment if I wouldn't have unbuttoned my sweater. This entire situation, though it was just a small moment in time, had a lasting impact on me. It was something I was sorry for immediately, but this sort of thing isn't the type of thing you just walk up to a man and say "I'm sorry for flashing my cleavage at you and tempting you."

During the last few weeks, I have been doing more research on modesty. I have read the Bible, looked at modesty blogs, surveys, read men's opinions, and prayed about it. In the end, I feel like God used what happened at church that morning to open my eyes to an ongoing problem. I have been taking actions within our household to once again change our modesty rules.

We are going to start treating our bodies with respect. We have specific new rules regarding clothing, which I will not go into detail about right now. We are in transition at this point while we accumulate, buy, and make new clothing to fit within our guidelines. So for now, we are making due with what we have. Surprisingly, we are doing quite well and really enjoying this new style! For my girls, it isn't much different than their old style. My girls love dresses and skirts and have no problem wearing them every day. Is that to say that we won't be wearing pants? No. We will wear them, just not as often. Will we still wear workout clothes? YES!!! I LOVE my yoga pants! However, those will only be worn for working out or cleaning. NOT to go to the store, choir or sports practice, or homeschool events.

Today was my first day wearing a skirt to a homeschool class. I had a few people as me why I was so dressed up. I just smiled and said I was trying to get away from dressing frumpy and wearing workout clothes all the time. Then I realized that I had JUST described each and every mom in the hallway. OOPS!!!!! I could have answered that question a different way, but I just don't want people to think of me as a super conservative Christian woman. I have heard many skirt wearing women referred to like that, and be seen as unapproachable, holier than thou people, even though these women are very open and willing to talk about their beliefs. I want people to know that while my clothing is becoming more girly, I am still the same person I was two weeks ago. I have not changed who I am. I have just changed my style.

We are making these decisions for our own family because it is something that God has lead us to. Does that mean that I will look down on others for not making this choice? NO! Hello, I was just like you all a couple weeks ago!! God speaks to each and every person about things in their life when he feels that it is time. We are all on a different walk, and our journeys will take us to different places at different times. This is a new road in our journey, and I am very excited about it!