Bittersweet Day

I didn't even realize today was coming. It is a day that I usually dread for a couple weeks, yet somehow this time around I didn't even realize it was that time of year. Not too many people know, as I have kept pretty quiet about it, but had I not miscarried, we would now have a four year old. Every March, I have a huge reminder of that in my cousin's child. Our children would have just been a couple weeks apart. Each and every year, I grieve this loss. I know that it wasn't meant to be, because if we would have had that child, I would not have the beautiful three year old I now have. Knowing that though, never eased the pain. I have always felt guilty for losing this child because it was stress that caused the miscarriage at nearly three months along. Today when I got on Facebook and saw pictures celebrating this little girl's 4th birthday, I felt so happy for her. She is a beautiful little girl, and for the first time, I was able to be happy about her birthday and not sad. While I am so glad that I have finally gotten beyond seeing her as a reminder of the one that I lost, I am also sad that I have gotten to the point where I didn't even realize it was that time of year. Such a bittersweet day of realizing how far I have moved past this.