My blighted ovum

(Written on 6/29/14, but waited to decide if I really wanted to post it or not.)

The last few months have been busy prepping for our ten year anniversary vow renewal. Amongst that we also have had swimming, baseball, and out of state visitors. It has been a whirlwind few months. When we weren't busy with those things, we spent most of our time home with me being sick or too tired to do anything.

Why was I sick? Well, I was pregnant. For the 6th time. Second time this year. Guess that natural family planning thing that has gone excellent for us for the last few years isn't going so well this year. I lost the other pregnancy at six weeks. I never got really sick with it, though I did have symptoms. The main symptom was changing tastes and a strong craving for mustard even though I normally could care less about mustard. Hence, that baby got the nickname Mustard. Since I wasn't horribly sick, we weren't too shocked when I lost it. It wasn't my first time, and our youngest child had a rough pregnancy from the start so we just felt this one wasn't a strong enough pregnancy to make it.

Now, back to that 6th pregnancy. I didn't even realize I was pregnant till I missed a period. I have NEVER missed a period the first month of being pregnant, but I did this time. I also have never had a urine pregnancy test come up positive, but since I had one laying around from earlier in the year, I decided to take one. It was positive within 20 seconds!! Though I was in shock, not really wanting to be pregnant, have to start changing diapers again, and all those things that go along with a baby, I was relieved. I figured that if my levels were high enough to show a positive pregnancy test, then this would be a healthy pregnancy and we wouldn't have to go through another loss.

Almost immediately my muscles gave way and I started gaining inches. It was all I could do to squeeze into my bustier/girdle thing for the renewal. My belly was so squished! Every day I had to choose my clothing depending on who I was going to see. Baggy if I was seeing someone who hadn't already guessed, or normal clothes for those who knew. By week 6 I had gained a whopping three inches and it looked like a basketball, not flub. It was getting so hard to hide, so I kinda stuck to the rule of not seeing anyone who didn't already know unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully life was so busy that my friends didn't really realize I was ignoring them and pushing off playdates.

At my request, the doctor blood work early (8wks instead of 11wks) due to previous complications. We eliminated complications from a blood disorder that my Grandmother has, but found out my progesterone was very low. The doctor wanted to see me. Two days later I laid on a table and had my first ultrasound. Nothing. Just a big black empty space. Knowing it was early, I wasn't afraid but was slightly concerned because we should have been able to see a "bean". The doctor put me on some pretty expensive medicine in hopes that things would be okay after it was in my system and baby would start growing fast enough for us to see. She also scheduled more labs and another ultrasound.

So, on the medicine I went. It made me feel horribly sick all night and till afternoon the next day. I only felt good in the evenings. But it was worth it if it would result in a healthy baby. A week later we found out that my HCG levels had lowered. I was concerned, but also read stories on the internet of those levels coming back and resulting in healthy babies. That gave me hope. By now my husband and I had come to terms with another baby. We have gotten a new crib, onesies, maternity clothes, and it all just felt it was coming together. Sure it was a boy and having never been wrong on my feeling about this, he even had a first name.

A week later my hubby and I go to our second ultrasound. Almost immediately the technician asks if this was our first peek. I informed her of the situation, what I had read about blighted ovums and how the doctor already asked me two days prior to stop medicine and let it miscarry, but that we decided to wait on one more set of labs and ultrasound just to be sure we weren't missing a baby. She did the most thorough ultrasound I have ever seen. She went through layer by later looking for anything that could resemble a baby or fetal pole. Nothing. Then she switched to blood flow mode to see if there was anything flowing through my uterus. Nothing. No baby at all. No hopes of a baby. Nothing we can do. Now it is time to let go and either schedule a D&C or let it naturally miscarry.

I stopped the medicine that night. The next day contraction started. It has been three days. I have been having labor pains on and off the entire time. Last night I was up all night in labor, just to have it stop around 6am. Today has been fine so far. It's frustrating. I just want to be done. I had hoped to get this over with while hubby was off work for the weekend. I don't want to do this during the week when I am home alone caring for 3 kids. I am now ten weeks. It is not going to be an easy miscarriage like the 6wk one earlier this year. I wish I could just schedule when this happens. Yes, I could go have it surgically done, but I feel that if God gave us this pregnancy, then God will handle this end of it as well just like he has with my last two miscarriages.  I just hate waiting games. It's frustrating and emotional. I just want to be done.