Done. Just done.

Yesterday I was confident that I was going to let this happen naturally. I have been trying things to induce labor and nothing is working. This morning I didn't feel good and laid in bed after yet another night of laboring (though not as hard or long as the previous night). Around 1pm, I decided that I would get up and work my tail off today. Surely that would put me into labor, right?! I worked hard, cleaning, organizing, moving furniture, doing dishes and a few loads of laundry. After six hours, still nothing. Just the normal contractions I have had for months during other pregnancies.

This is frustrating. I now see why women just opt for the D&C day surgery. While I know God can handle this and that he will in his own time, I don't want to wait. I have family coming in town in four days. I want to be recovered when they arrive, or at least beginning to recover. Even if I wait to naturally miscarry, it could take up to another couple weeks. Then I just have to hope everything comes out at once, or I will still have to go in for a D&C. So while I feel selfish saying this cause I am taking away God's power to do this in his timing, I am opting for the surgery.

Tomorrow morning I am scheduled to see the doctor so she can be sure everything is miscarrying fine. Since that hasn't even started, I am going to discuss surgery. I am hoping the hospital has an opening within the next couple days. I want to be on the road to recovery when my cousin arrives. I feel incredibly selfish right now, but I am just so frustrated. Frustrated that God allowed us to think this was meant to be. That the name we decided on meant "God's Gift" because we truly felt this was an unexpected gift from him. That now we find out that there wasn't a gift at all, what we named was a huge empty space. We are the skeptical couple who never gets excited till we are confident that things are going well and baby will be okay. Why did God allow us to think differently about this one? Why did this have to happen at all? I know God has a reason for everything in life, but I just can't think of a good reason for this.

People say that losing a blighted ovum is easier than losing a baby. How?! How is it easier to tell your 9 & 6yr old that you were never really pregnant after they suspected you were and had already told some of their friends. They don't understand how I can be pregnant but no baby. It would probably be easier to say the baby died. At least that they would understand. If there had been a baby, at least I wouldn't feel like all the morning sickness, huge stomach, and 8 weeks of missed workouts weren't for nothing. I feel like I have lost two months of my life for nothing. Like my kids suffered, stuck in front of the tv for nothing. Why did they have to sit and deal with an emotionally unstable mom for two months just for an empty blob?

The entire situation makes me want to cry, scream, and go crawl in a hole all at the same time. I am more mad about what this has done to my kids than I am about not having a new baby. When trying to look at the bright side, I can at least think of one thing. My three year old is clueless as to what is happening. Yes she knows mommy has been emotionally unstable but that's it. She wasn't excited over a new baby. She didn't know why mom's belly was getting big (though she did mention it one time). She wasn't talking to friends about it. She was just living her happy go lucky three year old life. In her mind, life is perfect.