It seems as though I tend to write more when I am sad, angry or exhausted. I don't take the time often enough to post when I am happy and things are going great. Probably because during those times, I don't take time to sit and relax after the kids go to bed. During those times, I bake, sing, talk on the phone, and do other "fun" things that I like after the kids go to bed. So here I sit, after another exhausting night and wanting to write. Though there is plenty of negative frustrations to write about, there are also some great things going on that I NEED to write about.
Though this has really been in the works for over a year; within the last month my oldest really got to talking about baptism. With her being a mere 9yrs old, I was afraid of her making decisions she did not fully understand the gravity of. So, keeping with my main parenting philosophy, I just answered her questions without giving more information than what she asked for. The questions got deeper and deeper and eventually I realized that she may actually be ready to start making big decisions on her own, or at least this one. She asked me if she could plan a date to become baptized. I told her I didn't know if she was mature enough and that I wanted her to speak with a pastor who would then decide if they thought she was truly understanding what she was doing. Little did I know, she had been speaking with this pastor for quite some time about it and they were just waiting for the call.
During one of these times of questioning, my 6yr old randomly said he wanted to be baptized as well. I just kind of mentally brushed his comment aside assuming he just wanted to be like his sister, and his desire for this would go away. It didn't. Two days later he was getting very adamant that he needed to be baptized at the same time as her. I wasn't sure what to think. I am very skeptical about letting a child get baptized before they are truly ready. I wouldn't ever want someone to do it to fit in, or because they felt pressure. I needed to be sure he wasn't feeling any of those feelings. At bedtime that night, I sat on his bed and asked why he wanted to be baptized. His answer blew me away. He said "Well mom, I feel like God is calling me to be a pastor and spread his word. The first step to doing that is getting baptized, and it's time I do that and get to work on becoming a pastor." UMMMM, WHAT?! You are six, SIX! You know what God wants you to do with your life?! Okay, I didn't really say that out loud, but that is what was going through my head.
So of course, both kids met with their children's pastor and the meeting went great. We scheduled the baptism for Monday. What?! Not Sunday?! Well, this is THEIR baptism, not mine. I wanted it on Sunday. I wanted the music, the applause and all that, even though I knew I would be an emotional wreck. But this wasn't up to me. This wasn't my decision. I can't tell my kids how to become baptized. I can't tell them how to live life like a christian. It is between them and God. I made my decision years ago. I had my Sunday baptism. I got what I wanted, and now it was their turn. The first big decision of their lives, and as much as I wanted to control how it happened, I couldn't. I didn't even try. I just sat on the sidelines and supported them. As a parent of young kids, that can be so hard to do. I never imagined I would be watching my young 6 & 9yr olds start taking control over their lives at such a young age.
Since this time, my 6yr old has made some remarkable changes. He is taking what he feels is his calling very seriously. His favorite game is "Tell me what to find in the Bible" and then he locates it and has you read it to him. Sometimes he will read it himself. For a kid who has REFUSED to learn to read for two years now, this is huge. He has no interest in reading anything other than the Bible. He carries his Bible everywhere. The grocery store, friends' houses, the car, and every where else he goes. Today I had to forbid him to take it to his class. I had to explain there there is a time to learn the Bible, and there is a time to learn Science, and that the Bible does not need to be carried on a Science hike. His response? "But mom, God created Science, so the Bible has a lot to do with it, so I think I still need it in case we need to look something up."
Oh. My. Goodness!!! Am I really equipped to keep up with this kid?! What do you say to him when he comes up with answers like that? Did God really choose ME to raise a pastor? I am so not the person for this job!!
Though, if it is God's will, then I guess I am the person for this job. I know God will give me the equipment to do it and not screw it up. The thought of my kid becoming a preacher is exhilarating and frightening at the same time. I have to remind myself not to put too much emphasis on this because if I do, it could push him from following God's will. I am just trying to do what I always do. Answer what they want to know, without pushing them beyond what they are capable of understanding, supporting them in what they want & need to do in life, and praying to God that somehow it all works to his glory no matter what my kids' professions end up being in the future.
We serve a mighty, all knowing God. He knows how this will all work out. For now, I just have to sit back and be extremely thankful and proud of my children for giving their lives to Christ.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
From stressed to extremely thankful.
As I sit here thinking back on the last few months, I think I have gone through just about every emotion possible. I have had some really low days and some really high days. As I have searched to find meaning in this last pregnancy, I have learned many things.
It isn't our job to understand why God allows things to happen. Maybe God allows these things to happen for smaller reasons than we would like. Maybe that reason is to simply bring us closer to him and to each other.
As I have gone through these emotions, I have had a friend right there with me going through this as well. We have both lost two babies this year. It's tough. Knowing that a friend is going through the exact same thing as you is heartbreaking and comforting at the same time. I am glad that we have each other to lean upon during these days.
Right now I am doing quite well. I think this loss has helped me to mellow out. I have always had a laid back personality, but I was stressing a lot the last few years. Always worried about what people thought of my house, kids, my friendship, and on and on the list goes. I tried so hard to make people happy, to give the best of me to everyone I came in contact with. When in reality, my stress probably showed way more than I ever imagined. My stress would get the better of me and I would snap, usually at my husband or kids. Having recently (2008, when we moved to Indiana) left all my friends in Oregon, I was so afraid of not having friends here that I would go the distance, giving of myself till I could give no more, even if other friends were advising me against it. I don't know why it took another pregnancy loss to realize how much I needed to let this stuff go, but I am glad I have realized this.
I am so much happier in my life now. I feel that all the stress is gone. I just don't care enough to stress, and I don't mean that in a depressing way. The changes in my life are subtle from the outside, but huge for those living in my house. For the first time ever, I am homeschooling my kids the exact way I have always wanted to. I have quiet mommy time on a daily basis for the first time ever. I am getting back to making nearly all of our food from scratch. I am surrounding myself only with people who enrich my life, not stress me out or contribute to drama. I am happy. Of course I still get emotional or cranky some days, but all in all, I am happy. Happy to be here. Happy that I have a great husband who is by my side through everything in life. Thankful for 3 beautiful children in our home, and the freedom to homeschool them. Thankful that homeschooling gives us time as a family during the day since we do not have evenings together. Thankful for friends who don't want to just see me as the outgoing personality I pretend to be most of the time. Thankful I have finally found a group of friends that I can be 100% real with, no matter what my mood that day.
This new less stressful life is making a difference in my kids as well. The kids are not as stressed. There is less yelling and fighting in the house. The kids are becoming even closer friends. Nothing warms a moms heart more than hearing her kids make up songs about how much they love one another and their parents. Watching your kids practice their secret sibling handshake over and over is priceless. These are moments I will cherish forever.
Looking back on my posts from this summer, I can see how much I have changed. I still don't understand everything, but I am so thankful that God has used these things to make me a better wife, mother and friend.
It isn't our job to understand why God allows things to happen. Maybe God allows these things to happen for smaller reasons than we would like. Maybe that reason is to simply bring us closer to him and to each other.
As I have gone through these emotions, I have had a friend right there with me going through this as well. We have both lost two babies this year. It's tough. Knowing that a friend is going through the exact same thing as you is heartbreaking and comforting at the same time. I am glad that we have each other to lean upon during these days.
Right now I am doing quite well. I think this loss has helped me to mellow out. I have always had a laid back personality, but I was stressing a lot the last few years. Always worried about what people thought of my house, kids, my friendship, and on and on the list goes. I tried so hard to make people happy, to give the best of me to everyone I came in contact with. When in reality, my stress probably showed way more than I ever imagined. My stress would get the better of me and I would snap, usually at my husband or kids. Having recently (2008, when we moved to Indiana) left all my friends in Oregon, I was so afraid of not having friends here that I would go the distance, giving of myself till I could give no more, even if other friends were advising me against it. I don't know why it took another pregnancy loss to realize how much I needed to let this stuff go, but I am glad I have realized this.
I am so much happier in my life now. I feel that all the stress is gone. I just don't care enough to stress, and I don't mean that in a depressing way. The changes in my life are subtle from the outside, but huge for those living in my house. For the first time ever, I am homeschooling my kids the exact way I have always wanted to. I have quiet mommy time on a daily basis for the first time ever. I am getting back to making nearly all of our food from scratch. I am surrounding myself only with people who enrich my life, not stress me out or contribute to drama. I am happy. Of course I still get emotional or cranky some days, but all in all, I am happy. Happy to be here. Happy that I have a great husband who is by my side through everything in life. Thankful for 3 beautiful children in our home, and the freedom to homeschool them. Thankful that homeschooling gives us time as a family during the day since we do not have evenings together. Thankful for friends who don't want to just see me as the outgoing personality I pretend to be most of the time. Thankful I have finally found a group of friends that I can be 100% real with, no matter what my mood that day.
This new less stressful life is making a difference in my kids as well. The kids are not as stressed. There is less yelling and fighting in the house. The kids are becoming even closer friends. Nothing warms a moms heart more than hearing her kids make up songs about how much they love one another and their parents. Watching your kids practice their secret sibling handshake over and over is priceless. These are moments I will cherish forever.
Looking back on my posts from this summer, I can see how much I have changed. I still don't understand everything, but I am so thankful that God has used these things to make me a better wife, mother and friend.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Crazy time in life!
Well, I am now 18 days past surgery. I feel so much better! Come to find out those little antibiotic pills I was supposed to take after surgery were forgotten about and though I was supposed to take 2 a day for 14 days, I had only taken one! OOPS!! So, as soon as I realized this, I started taking them and felt better the next day. So glad the doctor mentioned it and I took them before I got an infection!
Though I have still been tired, I have been able to keep up with a crazy schedule of 4H, swim club & VBS. The last week or so has been crazy!! I have been gone almost every day, all day long. I have run on 4-6hrs of sleep most nights. Though it is all exhausting, it is worth it. The kids are learning some great life experiences.
Though I have still been tired, I have been able to keep up with a crazy schedule of 4H, swim club & VBS. The last week or so has been crazy!! I have been gone almost every day, all day long. I have run on 4-6hrs of sleep most nights. Though it is all exhausting, it is worth it. The kids are learning some great life experiences.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Recovery
Well, I am now 11 days past surgery. I would love to say that things are better emotionally but it's not. People say they will be there for you but in reality they aren't even there to talk with you when you need to talk. The person I have been closest with the last few months doesn't even listen to what I have to say for more than a few seconds before she goes into talking about her recent adoption. I don't think she realizes how frustrated and mad it makes me. In the same two week period she found out about an urgent adoption, I found out I was losing the pregnancy we thought was giving us a new baby. The last thing I want to hear about is her having "symptoms similar to a mom with a new baby". I am supposed to be the one becoming a new mom again, not her. I know she doesn't mean it but it feels like she is rubbing it in. What makes it the worst though is that she is ignorant to the fact that I need to talk through this. She has no idea how I am feeling because she hasn't taken the time to listen. I feel like I have not only lost the baby I thought I was having but I have also lost the close friendship I had because a new child entered her life and she no longer has time to be a friend to me.
Physically I am not recovered either. When they said I could return to normal activities in 48 hours, they must not have meant caring for a rambunctious three year old. People of course offered to help, but with it being the weekend of 4th of July, no one was really able to follow through with that offer. I had help the day of surgery and part of July 4th. My hubby was home that weekend but the kids still needed me. I tried to rest but with out of state family in town, it didn't really work out well. My three year old needed lifted up, carried and such things many times. Of course since I felt a little better, I didn't even think twice about it. After six days of this, I really felt it taking a toll. I felt horrible. My entire body was numb and weak. I got a couple extra hours of sleep and it seemed to help. Now, I sit here on day 12, still recovering. I am still weak and tire easily. I am using caffeine every day, all day long just to keep me up and functioning. I don't sleep well at night because of my emotions and I am sure that is not helping. Tomorrow I see the doctor. I had hoped for a clean bill of health and be allowed to resume my workouts. Unfortunately I don't think that will happen. I am frustrated with myself. I am frustrated I chose surgery during such a busy span of the summer. In some ways I wish I would have waited for my body to naturally miscarry. In reality though, I know that I would be much worse off if I would have chosen that route. I know there was no perfect answer in this situation. Every situation that was available to me was a hard route. I hate this hard road I am on. I hate not caring for my children they way I would like. I hate being mad at the world. I hate crying all the time. I hate that I don't have anyone to really talk to about this. I just hate this entire situation. I want it to all be over. I want my life back.
Physically I am not recovered either. When they said I could return to normal activities in 48 hours, they must not have meant caring for a rambunctious three year old. People of course offered to help, but with it being the weekend of 4th of July, no one was really able to follow through with that offer. I had help the day of surgery and part of July 4th. My hubby was home that weekend but the kids still needed me. I tried to rest but with out of state family in town, it didn't really work out well. My three year old needed lifted up, carried and such things many times. Of course since I felt a little better, I didn't even think twice about it. After six days of this, I really felt it taking a toll. I felt horrible. My entire body was numb and weak. I got a couple extra hours of sleep and it seemed to help. Now, I sit here on day 12, still recovering. I am still weak and tire easily. I am using caffeine every day, all day long just to keep me up and functioning. I don't sleep well at night because of my emotions and I am sure that is not helping. Tomorrow I see the doctor. I had hoped for a clean bill of health and be allowed to resume my workouts. Unfortunately I don't think that will happen. I am frustrated with myself. I am frustrated I chose surgery during such a busy span of the summer. In some ways I wish I would have waited for my body to naturally miscarry. In reality though, I know that I would be much worse off if I would have chosen that route. I know there was no perfect answer in this situation. Every situation that was available to me was a hard route. I hate this hard road I am on. I hate not caring for my children they way I would like. I hate being mad at the world. I hate crying all the time. I hate that I don't have anyone to really talk to about this. I just hate this entire situation. I want it to all be over. I want my life back.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Surgery
Today we went to the doctor again. A third ultrasound confirmed that though my uterus is still growing, there is no baby or fetal pole. We decided to go ahead with the D&C outpatient surgery. I am so thankful for good friends who stepped right up to take our children for the night/day. It is nice to know that everything is falling into place for my hubby to be with me at the hospital and at home for two days.
I feel so relieved to know that in just a few days I should start feeling better. It has been a long ten weeks of feeling sick. Though I am really sad for this loss, I am happy to finally have it all over. I am physically and emotionally drained.
I feel so relieved to know that in just a few days I should start feeling better. It has been a long ten weeks of feeling sick. Though I am really sad for this loss, I am happy to finally have it all over. I am physically and emotionally drained.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Done. Just done.
Yesterday I was confident that I was going to let this happen naturally. I have been trying things to induce labor and nothing is working. This morning I didn't feel good and laid in bed after yet another night of laboring (though not as hard or long as the previous night). Around 1pm, I decided that I would get up and work my tail off today. Surely that would put me into labor, right?! I worked hard, cleaning, organizing, moving furniture, doing dishes and a few loads of laundry. After six hours, still nothing. Just the normal contractions I have had for months during other pregnancies.
This is frustrating. I now see why women just opt for the D&C day surgery. While I know God can handle this and that he will in his own time, I don't want to wait. I have family coming in town in four days. I want to be recovered when they arrive, or at least beginning to recover. Even if I wait to naturally miscarry, it could take up to another couple weeks. Then I just have to hope everything comes out at once, or I will still have to go in for a D&C. So while I feel selfish saying this cause I am taking away God's power to do this in his timing, I am opting for the surgery.
Tomorrow morning I am scheduled to see the doctor so she can be sure everything is miscarrying fine. Since that hasn't even started, I am going to discuss surgery. I am hoping the hospital has an opening within the next couple days. I want to be on the road to recovery when my cousin arrives. I feel incredibly selfish right now, but I am just so frustrated. Frustrated that God allowed us to think this was meant to be. That the name we decided on meant "God's Gift" because we truly felt this was an unexpected gift from him. That now we find out that there wasn't a gift at all, what we named was a huge empty space. We are the skeptical couple who never gets excited till we are confident that things are going well and baby will be okay. Why did God allow us to think differently about this one? Why did this have to happen at all? I know God has a reason for everything in life, but I just can't think of a good reason for this.
People say that losing a blighted ovum is easier than losing a baby. How?! How is it easier to tell your 9 & 6yr old that you were never really pregnant after they suspected you were and had already told some of their friends. They don't understand how I can be pregnant but no baby. It would probably be easier to say the baby died. At least that they would understand. If there had been a baby, at least I wouldn't feel like all the morning sickness, huge stomach, and 8 weeks of missed workouts weren't for nothing. I feel like I have lost two months of my life for nothing. Like my kids suffered, stuck in front of the tv for nothing. Why did they have to sit and deal with an emotionally unstable mom for two months just for an empty blob?
The entire situation makes me want to cry, scream, and go crawl in a hole all at the same time. I am more mad about what this has done to my kids than I am about not having a new baby. When trying to look at the bright side, I can at least think of one thing. My three year old is clueless as to what is happening. Yes she knows mommy has been emotionally unstable but that's it. She wasn't excited over a new baby. She didn't know why mom's belly was getting big (though she did mention it one time). She wasn't talking to friends about it. She was just living her happy go lucky three year old life. In her mind, life is perfect.
This is frustrating. I now see why women just opt for the D&C day surgery. While I know God can handle this and that he will in his own time, I don't want to wait. I have family coming in town in four days. I want to be recovered when they arrive, or at least beginning to recover. Even if I wait to naturally miscarry, it could take up to another couple weeks. Then I just have to hope everything comes out at once, or I will still have to go in for a D&C. So while I feel selfish saying this cause I am taking away God's power to do this in his timing, I am opting for the surgery.
Tomorrow morning I am scheduled to see the doctor so she can be sure everything is miscarrying fine. Since that hasn't even started, I am going to discuss surgery. I am hoping the hospital has an opening within the next couple days. I want to be on the road to recovery when my cousin arrives. I feel incredibly selfish right now, but I am just so frustrated. Frustrated that God allowed us to think this was meant to be. That the name we decided on meant "God's Gift" because we truly felt this was an unexpected gift from him. That now we find out that there wasn't a gift at all, what we named was a huge empty space. We are the skeptical couple who never gets excited till we are confident that things are going well and baby will be okay. Why did God allow us to think differently about this one? Why did this have to happen at all? I know God has a reason for everything in life, but I just can't think of a good reason for this.
People say that losing a blighted ovum is easier than losing a baby. How?! How is it easier to tell your 9 & 6yr old that you were never really pregnant after they suspected you were and had already told some of their friends. They don't understand how I can be pregnant but no baby. It would probably be easier to say the baby died. At least that they would understand. If there had been a baby, at least I wouldn't feel like all the morning sickness, huge stomach, and 8 weeks of missed workouts weren't for nothing. I feel like I have lost two months of my life for nothing. Like my kids suffered, stuck in front of the tv for nothing. Why did they have to sit and deal with an emotionally unstable mom for two months just for an empty blob?
The entire situation makes me want to cry, scream, and go crawl in a hole all at the same time. I am more mad about what this has done to my kids than I am about not having a new baby. When trying to look at the bright side, I can at least think of one thing. My three year old is clueless as to what is happening. Yes she knows mommy has been emotionally unstable but that's it. She wasn't excited over a new baby. She didn't know why mom's belly was getting big (though she did mention it one time). She wasn't talking to friends about it. She was just living her happy go lucky three year old life. In her mind, life is perfect.
My blighted ovum
(Written on 6/29/14, but waited to decide if I really wanted to post it or not.)
The last few months have been busy prepping for our ten year anniversary vow renewal. Amongst that we also have had swimming, baseball, and out of state visitors. It has been a whirlwind few months. When we weren't busy with those things, we spent most of our time home with me being sick or too tired to do anything.
Why was I sick? Well, I was pregnant. For the 6th time. Second time this year. Guess that natural family planning thing that has gone excellent for us for the last few years isn't going so well this year. I lost the other pregnancy at six weeks. I never got really sick with it, though I did have symptoms. The main symptom was changing tastes and a strong craving for mustard even though I normally could care less about mustard. Hence, that baby got the nickname Mustard. Since I wasn't horribly sick, we weren't too shocked when I lost it. It wasn't my first time, and our youngest child had a rough pregnancy from the start so we just felt this one wasn't a strong enough pregnancy to make it.
Now, back to that 6th pregnancy. I didn't even realize I was pregnant till I missed a period. I have NEVER missed a period the first month of being pregnant, but I did this time. I also have never had a urine pregnancy test come up positive, but since I had one laying around from earlier in the year, I decided to take one. It was positive within 20 seconds!! Though I was in shock, not really wanting to be pregnant, have to start changing diapers again, and all those things that go along with a baby, I was relieved. I figured that if my levels were high enough to show a positive pregnancy test, then this would be a healthy pregnancy and we wouldn't have to go through another loss.
Almost immediately my muscles gave way and I started gaining inches. It was all I could do to squeeze into my bustier/girdle thing for the renewal. My belly was so squished! Every day I had to choose my clothing depending on who I was going to see. Baggy if I was seeing someone who hadn't already guessed, or normal clothes for those who knew. By week 6 I had gained a whopping three inches and it looked like a basketball, not flub. It was getting so hard to hide, so I kinda stuck to the rule of not seeing anyone who didn't already know unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully life was so busy that my friends didn't really realize I was ignoring them and pushing off playdates.
At my request, the doctor blood work early (8wks instead of 11wks) due to previous complications. We eliminated complications from a blood disorder that my Grandmother has, but found out my progesterone was very low. The doctor wanted to see me. Two days later I laid on a table and had my first ultrasound. Nothing. Just a big black empty space. Knowing it was early, I wasn't afraid but was slightly concerned because we should have been able to see a "bean". The doctor put me on some pretty expensive medicine in hopes that things would be okay after it was in my system and baby would start growing fast enough for us to see. She also scheduled more labs and another ultrasound.
So, on the medicine I went. It made me feel horribly sick all night and till afternoon the next day. I only felt good in the evenings. But it was worth it if it would result in a healthy baby. A week later we found out that my HCG levels had lowered. I was concerned, but also read stories on the internet of those levels coming back and resulting in healthy babies. That gave me hope. By now my husband and I had come to terms with another baby. We have gotten a new crib, onesies, maternity clothes, and it all just felt it was coming together. Sure it was a boy and having never been wrong on my feeling about this, he even had a first name.
A week later my hubby and I go to our second ultrasound. Almost immediately the technician asks if this was our first peek. I informed her of the situation, what I had read about blighted ovums and how the doctor already asked me two days prior to stop medicine and let it miscarry, but that we decided to wait on one more set of labs and ultrasound just to be sure we weren't missing a baby. She did the most thorough ultrasound I have ever seen. She went through layer by later looking for anything that could resemble a baby or fetal pole. Nothing. Then she switched to blood flow mode to see if there was anything flowing through my uterus. Nothing. No baby at all. No hopes of a baby. Nothing we can do. Now it is time to let go and either schedule a D&C or let it naturally miscarry.
I stopped the medicine that night. The next day contraction started. It has been three days. I have been having labor pains on and off the entire time. Last night I was up all night in labor, just to have it stop around 6am. Today has been fine so far. It's frustrating. I just want to be done. I had hoped to get this over with while hubby was off work for the weekend. I don't want to do this during the week when I am home alone caring for 3 kids. I am now ten weeks. It is not going to be an easy miscarriage like the 6wk one earlier this year. I wish I could just schedule when this happens. Yes, I could go have it surgically done, but I feel that if God gave us this pregnancy, then God will handle this end of it as well just like he has with my last two miscarriages. I just hate waiting games. It's frustrating and emotional. I just want to be done.
The last few months have been busy prepping for our ten year anniversary vow renewal. Amongst that we also have had swimming, baseball, and out of state visitors. It has been a whirlwind few months. When we weren't busy with those things, we spent most of our time home with me being sick or too tired to do anything.
Why was I sick? Well, I was pregnant. For the 6th time. Second time this year. Guess that natural family planning thing that has gone excellent for us for the last few years isn't going so well this year. I lost the other pregnancy at six weeks. I never got really sick with it, though I did have symptoms. The main symptom was changing tastes and a strong craving for mustard even though I normally could care less about mustard. Hence, that baby got the nickname Mustard. Since I wasn't horribly sick, we weren't too shocked when I lost it. It wasn't my first time, and our youngest child had a rough pregnancy from the start so we just felt this one wasn't a strong enough pregnancy to make it.
Now, back to that 6th pregnancy. I didn't even realize I was pregnant till I missed a period. I have NEVER missed a period the first month of being pregnant, but I did this time. I also have never had a urine pregnancy test come up positive, but since I had one laying around from earlier in the year, I decided to take one. It was positive within 20 seconds!! Though I was in shock, not really wanting to be pregnant, have to start changing diapers again, and all those things that go along with a baby, I was relieved. I figured that if my levels were high enough to show a positive pregnancy test, then this would be a healthy pregnancy and we wouldn't have to go through another loss.
Almost immediately my muscles gave way and I started gaining inches. It was all I could do to squeeze into my bustier/girdle thing for the renewal. My belly was so squished! Every day I had to choose my clothing depending on who I was going to see. Baggy if I was seeing someone who hadn't already guessed, or normal clothes for those who knew. By week 6 I had gained a whopping three inches and it looked like a basketball, not flub. It was getting so hard to hide, so I kinda stuck to the rule of not seeing anyone who didn't already know unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully life was so busy that my friends didn't really realize I was ignoring them and pushing off playdates.
At my request, the doctor blood work early (8wks instead of 11wks) due to previous complications. We eliminated complications from a blood disorder that my Grandmother has, but found out my progesterone was very low. The doctor wanted to see me. Two days later I laid on a table and had my first ultrasound. Nothing. Just a big black empty space. Knowing it was early, I wasn't afraid but was slightly concerned because we should have been able to see a "bean". The doctor put me on some pretty expensive medicine in hopes that things would be okay after it was in my system and baby would start growing fast enough for us to see. She also scheduled more labs and another ultrasound.
So, on the medicine I went. It made me feel horribly sick all night and till afternoon the next day. I only felt good in the evenings. But it was worth it if it would result in a healthy baby. A week later we found out that my HCG levels had lowered. I was concerned, but also read stories on the internet of those levels coming back and resulting in healthy babies. That gave me hope. By now my husband and I had come to terms with another baby. We have gotten a new crib, onesies, maternity clothes, and it all just felt it was coming together. Sure it was a boy and having never been wrong on my feeling about this, he even had a first name.
A week later my hubby and I go to our second ultrasound. Almost immediately the technician asks if this was our first peek. I informed her of the situation, what I had read about blighted ovums and how the doctor already asked me two days prior to stop medicine and let it miscarry, but that we decided to wait on one more set of labs and ultrasound just to be sure we weren't missing a baby. She did the most thorough ultrasound I have ever seen. She went through layer by later looking for anything that could resemble a baby or fetal pole. Nothing. Then she switched to blood flow mode to see if there was anything flowing through my uterus. Nothing. No baby at all. No hopes of a baby. Nothing we can do. Now it is time to let go and either schedule a D&C or let it naturally miscarry.
I stopped the medicine that night. The next day contraction started. It has been three days. I have been having labor pains on and off the entire time. Last night I was up all night in labor, just to have it stop around 6am. Today has been fine so far. It's frustrating. I just want to be done. I had hoped to get this over with while hubby was off work for the weekend. I don't want to do this during the week when I am home alone caring for 3 kids. I am now ten weeks. It is not going to be an easy miscarriage like the 6wk one earlier this year. I wish I could just schedule when this happens. Yes, I could go have it surgically done, but I feel that if God gave us this pregnancy, then God will handle this end of it as well just like he has with my last two miscarriages. I just hate waiting games. It's frustrating and emotional. I just want to be done.
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