Bittersweet Day

I didn't even realize today was coming. It is a day that I usually dread for a couple weeks, yet somehow this time around I didn't even realize it was that time of year. Not too many people know, as I have kept pretty quiet about it, but had I not miscarried, we would now have a four year old. Every March, I have a huge reminder of that in my cousin's child. Our children would have just been a couple weeks apart. Each and every year, I grieve this loss. I know that it wasn't meant to be, because if we would have had that child, I would not have the beautiful three year old I now have. Knowing that though, never eased the pain. I have always felt guilty for losing this child because it was stress that caused the miscarriage at nearly three months along. Today when I got on Facebook and saw pictures celebrating this little girl's 4th birthday, I felt so happy for her. She is a beautiful little girl, and for the first time, I was able to be happy about her birthday and not sad. While I am so glad that I have finally gotten beyond seeing her as a reminder of the one that I lost, I am also sad that I have gotten to the point where I didn't even realize it was that time of year. Such a bittersweet day of realizing how far I have moved past this.

Today's thoughts

Today I got my new sewing machine. Really excited to get it! Can't wait till Thursday when I have the opportunity to try it out.

Planning for something with the code name of "Pretty princess potluck" is back in full swing. I am so excited!! We have 82 days left till the event, and so much to do. I am so glad to have a friend planning along side me, and helping me with each decision. I definitely could not be pulling this off without her!

Winter has finally broken! We got up to 58 today! It was so nice to watch the kids ride bikes, play in the yard, and just enjoy being outside. I wasn't able to get in a bike ride, but I hope to get one in tomorrow. I have already ridden 8.5 miles this year. For only two rides, both at roughly 45 degrees, that isn't too bad. If my bike will fit in the car trunk, then I plan to ride tomorrow while Squeeks is at therapy. She has a two hour session, so I should be able to get in a good ride. I just hope to find a good route.

Are you Pentacostal??

Well, I did it. I wore a denim skirt on Sunday. It was not what I would consider a frumpy looking casual denim skirt. It was a very dark, long skirt that came to my ankles. I paired it with a dressy shirt which had a 3 tier necklace thing attached to it. I loved this outfit. Once home from church, I changed into a more casual shirt. Before going out to dinner, I threw a half button down sweater on top of my casual shirt. So, ok, I admit, once I added the sweater, I probably did look frumpy. While we were out to dinner, I was approached by a girl about age 13. She said "Are you Pentacostal? I don't remember seeing you at church, but well, you are wearing a denim skirt, so you must be Pentacostal, right?!" Um, No.....And this is exactly why I didn't want to wear a denim skirt out in public....I don't want singled out like that. I just want to wear my skirts and look girly. I don't want to draw attention. I don't want categorized as "One of THOSE women". I just want to be a girl who is dressing to please and respect my husband, other men, and God.

So, as I already blogged, a friend had asked me why I looked nice. This then opened up room for an exceptional talk about what God is doing in my life with this, why I have recently become to strongly believe in modesty, and things like that. It also opened up a way for her to candidly speak with me about religion and her views on it. It was awesome!! We have been friends for over a year and never really discussed her views. Our views differ, but since I spoke so candidly about modesty, she finally felt comfortable enough to talk about religion. I loved it. I couldn't believe how just wearing a skirt could open up such a candid conversation about something so deep.

Do I care what people think? No, not really. The reason I care about being singled out is because I don't want people to assume things about me. I don't want them to assume that I am not willing to talk about this. I don't want them to assume I have always dressed this way and judge them for not doing so. I don't want someone's view of my clothing to make them think I am unapproachable. These two circumstances really showed me how even wearing different skirts can have a huge effect on how people view me. It is almost a bigger difference than jeans to skirts.

So, moral of the story? If I feel the need to wear my denim skirt out of the house, be prepared to be judged....Also, refrain from wearing frumpy sweaters with denim skirts.

Letting the cat out of the bag so to speak...

Well, I said a few blog posts ago that I wouldn't be linking my blog to Facebook for awhile. I think I have changed my mind on that. We are going through so many changes and I am finding that blogging is a good outlet to get my thoughts out. In fact, I feel like I am not blogging enough! I have so much in my head that I want to write about but just can't seem to find the time.

I figure that if I am going to share with Facebook, then I should maybe summarize for those who don't feel the need to go back and read the last few posts...

We as a family have been studying modesty, though it was not originally intended for the boys in the family. At first it was a personal conviction, then paying attention to our girls, how they dress, how boys look at our oldest, and things like that.

A few weeks ago I set some goals for myself regarding my looks. While I had specifics, I will not list those here. What I will say, is that I am trying to dress how I want other women to dress in front of my husband. I want to dress how I assume other women want me dressed in front of their men. I want to show my girls how to be a girl in attitude and looks. To be honest, before I really starting reaching for these new goals, I did not realize how far I was from these things.

I did not realize what an affect it had on my girls that I was not dressing and acting girly. I have never really been a girly girl, and I was okay with that. The big surprise was that I realized that it was also having a major affect on my son and husband! My husband married me and knew who I was, without being done up all the time, so why would it change things with him?

Well, within just a few short days of making changes, I realized that my husband was speaking to me kinder. So was my son. My toddler was informing me that I cannot leave my room without a t-shirt over my camisole. My oldest was taking more responsibility for herself. She always loved dressy outfits, accessorizing, and doing her hair, but now she seems to be making sure she looks put together, and not like Punky Brewster.

These changes have been so good. They go so much deeper than I could have ever imagined. I didn't realize how clothing changes could change the mood of our entire household. I didn't realize how it would change my marriage. I didn't realize that my son would show more respect not only to me, but his sister's as well. When I was reading about modesty in the Bible, it actually talked more about attitude than clothing. Well, I now see how it all plays in to one another, and I would agree, it is more about attitude than clothing. However, clothing can play a huge role. If I act like a lady, expect other's to treat me like a lady, then I will be treated like a lady. In turn, that forces the men/boys to be better gentlemen. You always hear people say "the good ones are taken" Well, maybe if us ladies acted like ladies, then maybe there would be more gentlemen out there.

Lastly, the reason I was keeping quiet about this is very simple. I needed time to figure this out for myself. I needed time for my family to adjust. We needed to figure out where God was leading us and how it was going to change our lives. I needed to come to terms with what God is doing in our lives. I have now spoken to a friend about this who was not aware of the changes going on in full. She had just noticed that I "looked nice". Speaking with this friend made me feel so much better about the questions I will surely face. She was so kind and open to what I had researched and what changes I was making. She was very kind and loving and didn't seem put off by what I had to say. I have been so afraid that people will change their view of me, and think that I am some super religious person or something, when in fact, I am not. The truth is, I am a mess. I think we all are in our own ways. I am and always still will be the relaxed person who doesn't hold back her feelings, and who isn't afraid to talk about things with people. Am I changing? Sure. Aren't we all? We are all on different journeys in life, and this is just where my journey is taking a turn in the road. I don't expect everyone else to take the same road I am.

Men's thoughts on Modesty

During my time spent researching modesty, I came across a Modesty Survey. Most of the men who took this are Christian men, striving to live pure lives. They were honest in their answers and boy was it eye opening! Girls growing up have always laughed at brothers and fathers saying "We don't want you to wear it because we know what boys are thinking." Well, even as a woman, when my husband has said this on occasion, I sorta laughed it off. I thought I dressed modestly enough, till recently that is. So, I am going to link to this survey so that you all can read what boys and men think, and hear it in detail. It is quite eye opening!! I would have never imagined half of what they think! (It is quite long and in detail, I read it over the course of a few days so that I wasn't just skimming it.)

http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/

As a side note, as I said before, I have been doing some shopping and sewing to acquire clothing that meets our new modesty rules. It is cold, and though I am beginning to love wearing skirts almost daily, I just can't seem to bring myself to wear them if it is under 15 degrees. Even with tights on, I just can't stay warm while running errands. So today I threw on my favorite jeans and a new sweater which covers my backside. I couldn't believe how many compliments I received on my sweater! Despite running on a mere 4 1/2 hours of sleep, I felt great. It is amazing how different my attitude is when I feel more girly. I never realized how much modesty and feeling better about my clothing would effect my attitude. I just feel so much better. Amazing how quickly things in your life can change when you least expect them to. If you would have told me a few weeks ago that I would have been making these changes, I would have laughed at you. Boy am I glad that I was open to where God was leading us with this!!

A modest life. Is it really?

As we continue this journey to change our clothing it sparks many questions. Not only with other friends, but within myself as well. I am continuing to research, and pray about this.

Last week I was able to make (with a friend's help, who is going through this change with me) four more skirts for myself. Then I also went and bought two more, along with some more cami's and shirts to help with modesty on the top. I have now gone to wearing skirts almost daily. I have come to prefer a skirt over my beloved jeans and yoga pants. Once you go to skirts, you realize just how constricting pants are. Skirts just fit so much better! Though on really cold days, you may still catch me in jeans.

Since I have been covered more, and wearing skirts more, I am noticing changes around my home. My children are showing more respect, I have more drive, and my 3yr old now knows that mommy should put a shirt on over my cami before her brother sees me. Though I have talked with the older two about modesty, I haven't really spoken with my toddler. She has completely picked it up on her own! I didn't realize how making these changes would even affect my toddler's view on clothing.

Why do I have more drive? Well, as far as I have figured out, it is because I feel more like the lady of the house. I feel like I am getting up, ready for my day, and going to work. When I wear pants, I feel like I am ready to lounge. In a skirt, I feel more professional. I guess that makes me more productive. I guess this look also demands more respect from my kids. Or maybe I just feel more assertive in my role as a mother than I did when I was prepared to lounge. Not sure exactly, but I sure do like it!

Wearing skirts is supposed to be more modest, and less of a turn-on to men. However, it is seeming to have the opposite effect on my husband, and my friend's husband as well. That has made us question some things. Is this actually making us more appealing to other men? Is this not being more modest? Well, according to our husbands, it is in fact making us more modest. If so, then why does it have the completely opposite affect on them? Well, God made us for them. They know what package God has wrapped up in those clothing that is just for them. They know that God made us perfect for them, and that we are saving it for them, and them only.

So women, here is the summary of my last week of wearing skirts. If you need to revive your marriage, WEAR SKIRTS DAILY!!! It will do things to your husband that you never imagined! Just give it a try for a week. I guarantee that great things will happen ;)

What is Modesty?

If I were to ask "What is modesty?" nearly every person would have a different answer. This is a question I have been thinking a lot about, but before I jump to the present, let me go to the past for a bit...

Growing up, I never really thought about modesty. In my teenage years I became more modest, though I think it had to do more with low self-esteem than covering to be modest. As I gained confidence, my clothes became cuter, I wore more makeup, and eventually skimpier clothes. When I met my (now) husband, he never mentioned my clothes and was a perfect gentleman. We were friends for months and he never said a word about my clothing until we were officially dating. Just a couple months into our relationship, he refused to allow me to leave my house until I put something over a low cut top. This was the first time I saw him protective over my body. At the time I found it funny. At the time, though I had always heard "you don't know what it does to a guy", I didn't fully understand what that was.

Years later, I heard about how many men struggle with being too drawn to visual stimuli. After reading books about it, I began to fully understand why men are so protective over the women in their lives. Men aren't trying to stifle us women, they are trying to protect us, and themselves.

Shortly after becoming more aware of the issues surrounding how women attract men, we changed the clothing rules in our home. No shorts or skirts shorter than two inches above the knee. If it is shorter, then there must be another layer underneath that provides full coverage. Simple enough, but still, my daughter (age 5 at the time) received many questions from friends about why her shorts were so long. As a mom, I heard many comments similar to "it shouldn't matter, boys don't look at this age anyways." Well, as a mom, I wanted our rules to just stay consistent, not have to change once her body started changing when she got older.

Fast forward to the present time. Boys are noticing my oldest girl, now almost age nine. My six year old son is already noticing girls and has for awhile. So, yes, boys this young ARE noticing girls, and YES it is important for my daughters to dress modestly.

Have I been a good example of this? Not really. Yes, I have stuck to the household rules about the length of skirts and shorts, but we forgot a major part. We forgot to really think about modest tops. While I was aware of this, and made sure not to wear anything too low cut, I didn't make sure that it was providing full coverage at all times. See, us women tend to look in the mirror straight on. That is not a clear view of how men see us when we move around.

I have heard many many times things along the lines of "not my problem, I am dressed okay, if he is lusting then that's his problem". Though I used to think the same thing, I do not any longer. Just recently I had a huge change of thinking on this, and here is a little story about why:
Recently, I was at church, very hot, and sweating badly underneath under my sweater. Since my sweater was so extremely modest, I completely forgot that what was underneath was not modest at all.  While in a hallway with just a few people, I unbuttoned my sweater and started fanning myself, without ever looking down. Then I saw a guy coming from the other direction, his eyes widened, and he turned and ducked back into another room. I instantly realized what I had done, turned and went into a nearby bathroom to cool off.

I have already learned that once men see something, it can be hard for them to erase that image. Guys are extremely visual. God made them that way. God made them to enjoy looking at a woman's body. However, I don't believe that men should be able to lust over every woman's body that comes around. Yes they will see them. Yes they will be tempted. But what happens if us women take the responsibility upon ourselves to help the guys with this temptation? What happens if we realize that us women are the ones partially causing the men to sin? What happens if we think of modesty as not only respecting ourselves and our spouse, but also the men and their wives that we are tempting by not dressing modestly? Am I responsible for any possible lusting or visual distraction I gave that man at church in that hallway? Yes, I am 100% responsible for any impure thoughts or images he may have had. He would not have had them at that moment if I wouldn't have unbuttoned my sweater. This entire situation, though it was just a small moment in time, had a lasting impact on me. It was something I was sorry for immediately, but this sort of thing isn't the type of thing you just walk up to a man and say "I'm sorry for flashing my cleavage at you and tempting you."

During the last few weeks, I have been doing more research on modesty. I have read the Bible, looked at modesty blogs, surveys, read men's opinions, and prayed about it. In the end, I feel like God used what happened at church that morning to open my eyes to an ongoing problem. I have been taking actions within our household to once again change our modesty rules.

We are going to start treating our bodies with respect. We have specific new rules regarding clothing, which I will not go into detail about right now. We are in transition at this point while we accumulate, buy, and make new clothing to fit within our guidelines. So for now, we are making due with what we have. Surprisingly, we are doing quite well and really enjoying this new style! For my girls, it isn't much different than their old style. My girls love dresses and skirts and have no problem wearing them every day. Is that to say that we won't be wearing pants? No. We will wear them, just not as often. Will we still wear workout clothes? YES!!! I LOVE my yoga pants! However, those will only be worn for working out or cleaning. NOT to go to the store, choir or sports practice, or homeschool events.

Today was my first day wearing a skirt to a homeschool class. I had a few people as me why I was so dressed up. I just smiled and said I was trying to get away from dressing frumpy and wearing workout clothes all the time. Then I realized that I had JUST described each and every mom in the hallway. OOPS!!!!! I could have answered that question a different way, but I just don't want people to think of me as a super conservative Christian woman. I have heard many skirt wearing women referred to like that, and be seen as unapproachable, holier than thou people, even though these women are very open and willing to talk about their beliefs. I want people to know that while my clothing is becoming more girly, I am still the same person I was two weeks ago. I have not changed who I am. I have just changed my style.

We are making these decisions for our own family because it is something that God has lead us to. Does that mean that I will look down on others for not making this choice? NO! Hello, I was just like you all a couple weeks ago!! God speaks to each and every person about things in their life when he feels that it is time. We are all on a different walk, and our journeys will take us to different places at different times. This is a new road in our journey, and I am very excited about it!