Yesterday I was confident that I was going to let this happen naturally. I have been trying things to induce labor and nothing is working. This morning I didn't feel good and laid in bed after yet another night of laboring (though not as hard or long as the previous night). Around 1pm, I decided that I would get up and work my tail off today. Surely that would put me into labor, right?! I worked hard, cleaning, organizing, moving furniture, doing dishes and a few loads of laundry. After six hours, still nothing. Just the normal contractions I have had for months during other pregnancies.
This is frustrating. I now see why women just opt for the D&C day surgery. While I know God can handle this and that he will in his own time, I don't want to wait. I have family coming in town in four days. I want to be recovered when they arrive, or at least beginning to recover. Even if I wait to naturally miscarry, it could take up to another couple weeks. Then I just have to hope everything comes out at once, or I will still have to go in for a D&C. So while I feel selfish saying this cause I am taking away God's power to do this in his timing, I am opting for the surgery.
Tomorrow morning I am scheduled to see the doctor so she can be sure everything is miscarrying fine. Since that hasn't even started, I am going to discuss surgery. I am hoping the hospital has an opening within the next couple days. I want to be on the road to recovery when my cousin arrives. I feel incredibly selfish right now, but I am just so frustrated. Frustrated that God allowed us to think this was meant to be. That the name we decided on meant "God's Gift" because we truly felt this was an unexpected gift from him. That now we find out that there wasn't a gift at all, what we named was a huge empty space. We are the skeptical couple who never gets excited till we are confident that things are going well and baby will be okay. Why did God allow us to think differently about this one? Why did this have to happen at all? I know God has a reason for everything in life, but I just can't think of a good reason for this.
People say that losing a blighted ovum is easier than losing a baby. How?! How is it easier to tell your 9 & 6yr old that you were never really pregnant after they suspected you were and had already told some of their friends. They don't understand how I can be pregnant but no baby. It would probably be easier to say the baby died. At least that they would understand. If there had been a baby, at least I wouldn't feel like all the morning sickness, huge stomach, and 8 weeks of missed workouts weren't for nothing. I feel like I have lost two months of my life for nothing. Like my kids suffered, stuck in front of the tv for nothing. Why did they have to sit and deal with an emotionally unstable mom for two months just for an empty blob?
The entire situation makes me want to cry, scream, and go crawl in a hole all at the same time. I am more mad about what this has done to my kids than I am about not having a new baby. When trying to look at the bright side, I can at least think of one thing. My three year old is clueless as to what is happening. Yes she knows mommy has been emotionally unstable but that's it. She wasn't excited over a new baby. She didn't know why mom's belly was getting big (though she did mention it one time). She wasn't talking to friends about it. She was just living her happy go lucky three year old life. In her mind, life is perfect.
Monday, June 30, 2014
My blighted ovum
(Written on 6/29/14, but waited to decide if I really wanted to post it or not.)
The last few months have been busy prepping for our ten year anniversary vow renewal. Amongst that we also have had swimming, baseball, and out of state visitors. It has been a whirlwind few months. When we weren't busy with those things, we spent most of our time home with me being sick or too tired to do anything.
Why was I sick? Well, I was pregnant. For the 6th time. Second time this year. Guess that natural family planning thing that has gone excellent for us for the last few years isn't going so well this year. I lost the other pregnancy at six weeks. I never got really sick with it, though I did have symptoms. The main symptom was changing tastes and a strong craving for mustard even though I normally could care less about mustard. Hence, that baby got the nickname Mustard. Since I wasn't horribly sick, we weren't too shocked when I lost it. It wasn't my first time, and our youngest child had a rough pregnancy from the start so we just felt this one wasn't a strong enough pregnancy to make it.
Now, back to that 6th pregnancy. I didn't even realize I was pregnant till I missed a period. I have NEVER missed a period the first month of being pregnant, but I did this time. I also have never had a urine pregnancy test come up positive, but since I had one laying around from earlier in the year, I decided to take one. It was positive within 20 seconds!! Though I was in shock, not really wanting to be pregnant, have to start changing diapers again, and all those things that go along with a baby, I was relieved. I figured that if my levels were high enough to show a positive pregnancy test, then this would be a healthy pregnancy and we wouldn't have to go through another loss.
Almost immediately my muscles gave way and I started gaining inches. It was all I could do to squeeze into my bustier/girdle thing for the renewal. My belly was so squished! Every day I had to choose my clothing depending on who I was going to see. Baggy if I was seeing someone who hadn't already guessed, or normal clothes for those who knew. By week 6 I had gained a whopping three inches and it looked like a basketball, not flub. It was getting so hard to hide, so I kinda stuck to the rule of not seeing anyone who didn't already know unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully life was so busy that my friends didn't really realize I was ignoring them and pushing off playdates.
At my request, the doctor blood work early (8wks instead of 11wks) due to previous complications. We eliminated complications from a blood disorder that my Grandmother has, but found out my progesterone was very low. The doctor wanted to see me. Two days later I laid on a table and had my first ultrasound. Nothing. Just a big black empty space. Knowing it was early, I wasn't afraid but was slightly concerned because we should have been able to see a "bean". The doctor put me on some pretty expensive medicine in hopes that things would be okay after it was in my system and baby would start growing fast enough for us to see. She also scheduled more labs and another ultrasound.
So, on the medicine I went. It made me feel horribly sick all night and till afternoon the next day. I only felt good in the evenings. But it was worth it if it would result in a healthy baby. A week later we found out that my HCG levels had lowered. I was concerned, but also read stories on the internet of those levels coming back and resulting in healthy babies. That gave me hope. By now my husband and I had come to terms with another baby. We have gotten a new crib, onesies, maternity clothes, and it all just felt it was coming together. Sure it was a boy and having never been wrong on my feeling about this, he even had a first name.
A week later my hubby and I go to our second ultrasound. Almost immediately the technician asks if this was our first peek. I informed her of the situation, what I had read about blighted ovums and how the doctor already asked me two days prior to stop medicine and let it miscarry, but that we decided to wait on one more set of labs and ultrasound just to be sure we weren't missing a baby. She did the most thorough ultrasound I have ever seen. She went through layer by later looking for anything that could resemble a baby or fetal pole. Nothing. Then she switched to blood flow mode to see if there was anything flowing through my uterus. Nothing. No baby at all. No hopes of a baby. Nothing we can do. Now it is time to let go and either schedule a D&C or let it naturally miscarry.
I stopped the medicine that night. The next day contraction started. It has been three days. I have been having labor pains on and off the entire time. Last night I was up all night in labor, just to have it stop around 6am. Today has been fine so far. It's frustrating. I just want to be done. I had hoped to get this over with while hubby was off work for the weekend. I don't want to do this during the week when I am home alone caring for 3 kids. I am now ten weeks. It is not going to be an easy miscarriage like the 6wk one earlier this year. I wish I could just schedule when this happens. Yes, I could go have it surgically done, but I feel that if God gave us this pregnancy, then God will handle this end of it as well just like he has with my last two miscarriages. I just hate waiting games. It's frustrating and emotional. I just want to be done.
The last few months have been busy prepping for our ten year anniversary vow renewal. Amongst that we also have had swimming, baseball, and out of state visitors. It has been a whirlwind few months. When we weren't busy with those things, we spent most of our time home with me being sick or too tired to do anything.
Why was I sick? Well, I was pregnant. For the 6th time. Second time this year. Guess that natural family planning thing that has gone excellent for us for the last few years isn't going so well this year. I lost the other pregnancy at six weeks. I never got really sick with it, though I did have symptoms. The main symptom was changing tastes and a strong craving for mustard even though I normally could care less about mustard. Hence, that baby got the nickname Mustard. Since I wasn't horribly sick, we weren't too shocked when I lost it. It wasn't my first time, and our youngest child had a rough pregnancy from the start so we just felt this one wasn't a strong enough pregnancy to make it.
Now, back to that 6th pregnancy. I didn't even realize I was pregnant till I missed a period. I have NEVER missed a period the first month of being pregnant, but I did this time. I also have never had a urine pregnancy test come up positive, but since I had one laying around from earlier in the year, I decided to take one. It was positive within 20 seconds!! Though I was in shock, not really wanting to be pregnant, have to start changing diapers again, and all those things that go along with a baby, I was relieved. I figured that if my levels were high enough to show a positive pregnancy test, then this would be a healthy pregnancy and we wouldn't have to go through another loss.
Almost immediately my muscles gave way and I started gaining inches. It was all I could do to squeeze into my bustier/girdle thing for the renewal. My belly was so squished! Every day I had to choose my clothing depending on who I was going to see. Baggy if I was seeing someone who hadn't already guessed, or normal clothes for those who knew. By week 6 I had gained a whopping three inches and it looked like a basketball, not flub. It was getting so hard to hide, so I kinda stuck to the rule of not seeing anyone who didn't already know unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully life was so busy that my friends didn't really realize I was ignoring them and pushing off playdates.
At my request, the doctor blood work early (8wks instead of 11wks) due to previous complications. We eliminated complications from a blood disorder that my Grandmother has, but found out my progesterone was very low. The doctor wanted to see me. Two days later I laid on a table and had my first ultrasound. Nothing. Just a big black empty space. Knowing it was early, I wasn't afraid but was slightly concerned because we should have been able to see a "bean". The doctor put me on some pretty expensive medicine in hopes that things would be okay after it was in my system and baby would start growing fast enough for us to see. She also scheduled more labs and another ultrasound.
So, on the medicine I went. It made me feel horribly sick all night and till afternoon the next day. I only felt good in the evenings. But it was worth it if it would result in a healthy baby. A week later we found out that my HCG levels had lowered. I was concerned, but also read stories on the internet of those levels coming back and resulting in healthy babies. That gave me hope. By now my husband and I had come to terms with another baby. We have gotten a new crib, onesies, maternity clothes, and it all just felt it was coming together. Sure it was a boy and having never been wrong on my feeling about this, he even had a first name.
A week later my hubby and I go to our second ultrasound. Almost immediately the technician asks if this was our first peek. I informed her of the situation, what I had read about blighted ovums and how the doctor already asked me two days prior to stop medicine and let it miscarry, but that we decided to wait on one more set of labs and ultrasound just to be sure we weren't missing a baby. She did the most thorough ultrasound I have ever seen. She went through layer by later looking for anything that could resemble a baby or fetal pole. Nothing. Then she switched to blood flow mode to see if there was anything flowing through my uterus. Nothing. No baby at all. No hopes of a baby. Nothing we can do. Now it is time to let go and either schedule a D&C or let it naturally miscarry.
I stopped the medicine that night. The next day contraction started. It has been three days. I have been having labor pains on and off the entire time. Last night I was up all night in labor, just to have it stop around 6am. Today has been fine so far. It's frustrating. I just want to be done. I had hoped to get this over with while hubby was off work for the weekend. I don't want to do this during the week when I am home alone caring for 3 kids. I am now ten weeks. It is not going to be an easy miscarriage like the 6wk one earlier this year. I wish I could just schedule when this happens. Yes, I could go have it surgically done, but I feel that if God gave us this pregnancy, then God will handle this end of it as well just like he has with my last two miscarriages. I just hate waiting games. It's frustrating and emotional. I just want to be done.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Bittersweet Day
I didn't even realize today was coming. It is a day that I usually dread for a couple weeks, yet somehow this time around I didn't even realize it was that time of year. Not too many people know, as I have kept pretty quiet about it, but had I not miscarried, we would now have a four year old. Every March, I have a huge reminder of that in my cousin's child. Our children would have just been a couple weeks apart. Each and every year, I grieve this loss. I know that it wasn't meant to be, because if we would have had that child, I would not have the beautiful three year old I now have. Knowing that though, never eased the pain. I have always felt guilty for losing this child because it was stress that caused the miscarriage at nearly three months along. Today when I got on Facebook and saw pictures celebrating this little girl's 4th birthday, I felt so happy for her. She is a beautiful little girl, and for the first time, I was able to be happy about her birthday and not sad. While I am so glad that I have finally gotten beyond seeing her as a reminder of the one that I lost, I am also sad that I have gotten to the point where I didn't even realize it was that time of year. Such a bittersweet day of realizing how far I have moved past this.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Today's thoughts
Today I got my new sewing machine. Really excited to get it! Can't wait till Thursday when I have the opportunity to try it out.
Planning for something with the code name of "Pretty princess potluck" is back in full swing. I am so excited!! We have 82 days left till the event, and so much to do. I am so glad to have a friend planning along side me, and helping me with each decision. I definitely could not be pulling this off without her!
Winter has finally broken! We got up to 58 today! It was so nice to watch the kids ride bikes, play in the yard, and just enjoy being outside. I wasn't able to get in a bike ride, but I hope to get one in tomorrow. I have already ridden 8.5 miles this year. For only two rides, both at roughly 45 degrees, that isn't too bad. If my bike will fit in the car trunk, then I plan to ride tomorrow while Squeeks is at therapy. She has a two hour session, so I should be able to get in a good ride. I just hope to find a good route.
Planning for something with the code name of "Pretty princess potluck" is back in full swing. I am so excited!! We have 82 days left till the event, and so much to do. I am so glad to have a friend planning along side me, and helping me with each decision. I definitely could not be pulling this off without her!
Winter has finally broken! We got up to 58 today! It was so nice to watch the kids ride bikes, play in the yard, and just enjoy being outside. I wasn't able to get in a bike ride, but I hope to get one in tomorrow. I have already ridden 8.5 miles this year. For only two rides, both at roughly 45 degrees, that isn't too bad. If my bike will fit in the car trunk, then I plan to ride tomorrow while Squeeks is at therapy. She has a two hour session, so I should be able to get in a good ride. I just hope to find a good route.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Are you Pentacostal??
Well, I did it. I wore a denim skirt on Sunday. It was not what I would consider a frumpy looking casual denim skirt. It was a very dark, long skirt that came to my ankles. I paired it with a dressy shirt which had a 3 tier necklace thing attached to it. I loved this outfit. Once home from church, I changed into a more casual shirt. Before going out to dinner, I threw a half button down sweater on top of my casual shirt. So, ok, I admit, once I added the sweater, I probably did look frumpy. While we were out to dinner, I was approached by a girl about age 13. She said "Are you Pentacostal? I don't remember seeing you at church, but well, you are wearing a denim skirt, so you must be Pentacostal, right?!" Um, No.....And this is exactly why I didn't want to wear a denim skirt out in public....I don't want singled out like that. I just want to wear my skirts and look girly. I don't want to draw attention. I don't want categorized as "One of THOSE women". I just want to be a girl who is dressing to please and respect my husband, other men, and God.
So, as I already blogged, a friend had asked me why I looked nice. This then opened up room for an exceptional talk about what God is doing in my life with this, why I have recently become to strongly believe in modesty, and things like that. It also opened up a way for her to candidly speak with me about religion and her views on it. It was awesome!! We have been friends for over a year and never really discussed her views. Our views differ, but since I spoke so candidly about modesty, she finally felt comfortable enough to talk about religion. I loved it. I couldn't believe how just wearing a skirt could open up such a candid conversation about something so deep.
Do I care what people think? No, not really. The reason I care about being singled out is because I don't want people to assume things about me. I don't want them to assume that I am not willing to talk about this. I don't want them to assume I have always dressed this way and judge them for not doing so. I don't want someone's view of my clothing to make them think I am unapproachable. These two circumstances really showed me how even wearing different skirts can have a huge effect on how people view me. It is almost a bigger difference than jeans to skirts.
So, moral of the story? If I feel the need to wear my denim skirt out of the house, be prepared to be judged....Also, refrain from wearing frumpy sweaters with denim skirts.
So, as I already blogged, a friend had asked me why I looked nice. This then opened up room for an exceptional talk about what God is doing in my life with this, why I have recently become to strongly believe in modesty, and things like that. It also opened up a way for her to candidly speak with me about religion and her views on it. It was awesome!! We have been friends for over a year and never really discussed her views. Our views differ, but since I spoke so candidly about modesty, she finally felt comfortable enough to talk about religion. I loved it. I couldn't believe how just wearing a skirt could open up such a candid conversation about something so deep.
Do I care what people think? No, not really. The reason I care about being singled out is because I don't want people to assume things about me. I don't want them to assume that I am not willing to talk about this. I don't want them to assume I have always dressed this way and judge them for not doing so. I don't want someone's view of my clothing to make them think I am unapproachable. These two circumstances really showed me how even wearing different skirts can have a huge effect on how people view me. It is almost a bigger difference than jeans to skirts.
So, moral of the story? If I feel the need to wear my denim skirt out of the house, be prepared to be judged....Also, refrain from wearing frumpy sweaters with denim skirts.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Letting the cat out of the bag so to speak...
Well, I said a few blog posts ago that I wouldn't be linking my blog to Facebook for awhile. I think I have changed my mind on that. We are going through so many changes and I am finding that blogging is a good outlet to get my thoughts out. In fact, I feel like I am not blogging enough! I have so much in my head that I want to write about but just can't seem to find the time.
I figure that if I am going to share with Facebook, then I should maybe summarize for those who don't feel the need to go back and read the last few posts...
We as a family have been studying modesty, though it was not originally intended for the boys in the family. At first it was a personal conviction, then paying attention to our girls, how they dress, how boys look at our oldest, and things like that.
A few weeks ago I set some goals for myself regarding my looks. While I had specifics, I will not list those here. What I will say, is that I am trying to dress how I want other women to dress in front of my husband. I want to dress how I assume other women want me dressed in front of their men. I want to show my girls how to be a girl in attitude and looks. To be honest, before I really starting reaching for these new goals, I did not realize how far I was from these things.
I did not realize what an affect it had on my girls that I was not dressing and acting girly. I have never really been a girly girl, and I was okay with that. The big surprise was that I realized that it was also having a major affect on my son and husband! My husband married me and knew who I was, without being done up all the time, so why would it change things with him?
Well, within just a few short days of making changes, I realized that my husband was speaking to me kinder. So was my son. My toddler was informing me that I cannot leave my room without a t-shirt over my camisole. My oldest was taking more responsibility for herself. She always loved dressy outfits, accessorizing, and doing her hair, but now she seems to be making sure she looks put together, and not like Punky Brewster.
These changes have been so good. They go so much deeper than I could have ever imagined. I didn't realize how clothing changes could change the mood of our entire household. I didn't realize how it would change my marriage. I didn't realize that my son would show more respect not only to me, but his sister's as well. When I was reading about modesty in the Bible, it actually talked more about attitude than clothing. Well, I now see how it all plays in to one another, and I would agree, it is more about attitude than clothing. However, clothing can play a huge role. If I act like a lady, expect other's to treat me like a lady, then I will be treated like a lady. In turn, that forces the men/boys to be better gentlemen. You always hear people say "the good ones are taken" Well, maybe if us ladies acted like ladies, then maybe there would be more gentlemen out there.
Lastly, the reason I was keeping quiet about this is very simple. I needed time to figure this out for myself. I needed time for my family to adjust. We needed to figure out where God was leading us and how it was going to change our lives. I needed to come to terms with what God is doing in our lives. I have now spoken to a friend about this who was not aware of the changes going on in full. She had just noticed that I "looked nice". Speaking with this friend made me feel so much better about the questions I will surely face. She was so kind and open to what I had researched and what changes I was making. She was very kind and loving and didn't seem put off by what I had to say. I have been so afraid that people will change their view of me, and think that I am some super religious person or something, when in fact, I am not. The truth is, I am a mess. I think we all are in our own ways. I am and always still will be the relaxed person who doesn't hold back her feelings, and who isn't afraid to talk about things with people. Am I changing? Sure. Aren't we all? We are all on different journeys in life, and this is just where my journey is taking a turn in the road. I don't expect everyone else to take the same road I am.
I figure that if I am going to share with Facebook, then I should maybe summarize for those who don't feel the need to go back and read the last few posts...
We as a family have been studying modesty, though it was not originally intended for the boys in the family. At first it was a personal conviction, then paying attention to our girls, how they dress, how boys look at our oldest, and things like that.
A few weeks ago I set some goals for myself regarding my looks. While I had specifics, I will not list those here. What I will say, is that I am trying to dress how I want other women to dress in front of my husband. I want to dress how I assume other women want me dressed in front of their men. I want to show my girls how to be a girl in attitude and looks. To be honest, before I really starting reaching for these new goals, I did not realize how far I was from these things.
I did not realize what an affect it had on my girls that I was not dressing and acting girly. I have never really been a girly girl, and I was okay with that. The big surprise was that I realized that it was also having a major affect on my son and husband! My husband married me and knew who I was, without being done up all the time, so why would it change things with him?
Well, within just a few short days of making changes, I realized that my husband was speaking to me kinder. So was my son. My toddler was informing me that I cannot leave my room without a t-shirt over my camisole. My oldest was taking more responsibility for herself. She always loved dressy outfits, accessorizing, and doing her hair, but now she seems to be making sure she looks put together, and not like Punky Brewster.
These changes have been so good. They go so much deeper than I could have ever imagined. I didn't realize how clothing changes could change the mood of our entire household. I didn't realize how it would change my marriage. I didn't realize that my son would show more respect not only to me, but his sister's as well. When I was reading about modesty in the Bible, it actually talked more about attitude than clothing. Well, I now see how it all plays in to one another, and I would agree, it is more about attitude than clothing. However, clothing can play a huge role. If I act like a lady, expect other's to treat me like a lady, then I will be treated like a lady. In turn, that forces the men/boys to be better gentlemen. You always hear people say "the good ones are taken" Well, maybe if us ladies acted like ladies, then maybe there would be more gentlemen out there.
Lastly, the reason I was keeping quiet about this is very simple. I needed time to figure this out for myself. I needed time for my family to adjust. We needed to figure out where God was leading us and how it was going to change our lives. I needed to come to terms with what God is doing in our lives. I have now spoken to a friend about this who was not aware of the changes going on in full. She had just noticed that I "looked nice". Speaking with this friend made me feel so much better about the questions I will surely face. She was so kind and open to what I had researched and what changes I was making. She was very kind and loving and didn't seem put off by what I had to say. I have been so afraid that people will change their view of me, and think that I am some super religious person or something, when in fact, I am not. The truth is, I am a mess. I think we all are in our own ways. I am and always still will be the relaxed person who doesn't hold back her feelings, and who isn't afraid to talk about things with people. Am I changing? Sure. Aren't we all? We are all on different journeys in life, and this is just where my journey is taking a turn in the road. I don't expect everyone else to take the same road I am.
Men's thoughts on Modesty
During my time spent researching modesty, I came across a Modesty Survey. Most of the men who took this are Christian men, striving to live pure lives. They were honest in their answers and boy was it eye opening! Girls growing up have always laughed at brothers and fathers saying "We don't want you to wear it because we know what boys are thinking." Well, even as a woman, when my husband has said this on occasion, I sorta laughed it off. I thought I dressed modestly enough, till recently that is. So, I am going to link to this survey so that you all can read what boys and men think, and hear it in detail. It is quite eye opening!! I would have never imagined half of what they think! (It is quite long and in detail, I read it over the course of a few days so that I wasn't just skimming it.)
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
As a side note, as I said before, I have been doing some shopping and sewing to acquire clothing that meets our new modesty rules. It is cold, and though I am beginning to love wearing skirts almost daily, I just can't seem to bring myself to wear them if it is under 15 degrees. Even with tights on, I just can't stay warm while running errands. So today I threw on my favorite jeans and a new sweater which covers my backside. I couldn't believe how many compliments I received on my sweater! Despite running on a mere 4 1/2 hours of sleep, I felt great. It is amazing how different my attitude is when I feel more girly. I never realized how much modesty and feeling better about my clothing would effect my attitude. I just feel so much better. Amazing how quickly things in your life can change when you least expect them to. If you would have told me a few weeks ago that I would have been making these changes, I would have laughed at you. Boy am I glad that I was open to where God was leading us with this!!
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
As a side note, as I said before, I have been doing some shopping and sewing to acquire clothing that meets our new modesty rules. It is cold, and though I am beginning to love wearing skirts almost daily, I just can't seem to bring myself to wear them if it is under 15 degrees. Even with tights on, I just can't stay warm while running errands. So today I threw on my favorite jeans and a new sweater which covers my backside. I couldn't believe how many compliments I received on my sweater! Despite running on a mere 4 1/2 hours of sleep, I felt great. It is amazing how different my attitude is when I feel more girly. I never realized how much modesty and feeling better about my clothing would effect my attitude. I just feel so much better. Amazing how quickly things in your life can change when you least expect them to. If you would have told me a few weeks ago that I would have been making these changes, I would have laughed at you. Boy am I glad that I was open to where God was leading us with this!!
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