Thoughts

So many thoughts running through my head about life. I know, big surprise right? Been doing that a lot lately.

My life has been so crazy lately. (Yes, I know, I have not kept up on the weekly blog I promised. I haven't had time or energy!) My diet is not on track, my sleep isn't on track, my exercise isn't on track, and it seems I will never get on track with anything. This is exactly what life was like when Mo was a toddler. When I think back to her toddler years, I instantly remember the awful. I didn't know it at the time, but we were raising a child with Sensory Processing Disorder. Everyone told me that I wasn't hard enough on her, that I didn't punish her enough. On occasion when we had to force safety things, I even heard that we were too tough. It takes some deeper thinking or looking at pictures for me to remember all the good times in her toddler years. Bubba's toddler years were wonderful. So many good memories. We had a great time! Now, as we go through Squeeks toddler years, it is like repeating Mo's all over again. Yes, we are now raising our 2nd SPD child. The difference though is this: we KNOW this time. I now know the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. I have a much better understanding of my daughter's brain and nervous system. I know why she does what she does. I know.

Knowing is huge. Knowing means that it can be different this time.  I don't want to look back and instantly remember the bad. We have 3 kids this time around. I don't want the memories of their childhood to be overtaken with the stressed out life of raising SPD kids.

We have already been on a journey of changing churches, schooling, food, and some activities. It has been a wonderful journey thus far. However, I feel like we have barely seen anyone. I hate feeling secluded, even if I do it to myself. I blame it on my crazy hectic life with an SPD toddler. That excuse is more than valid. Tonight though, as I sat at a life celebration, I was reminded how many people we have known who have passed many years younger than most of us would expect to live. The pastor talked about life being more quality than quantity. I have heard statements like this many times before but it really hit me tonight. My motto lately has been to just survive Squeek's toddler years, one day at a time. Today I even told a new friend that I probably won't have anyone to my house in like a year because I can't seem to ever keep up with cleaning. Like not at all. It has seemed like one step forward, ten steps back. This is not quality!

I want quality. I want my kids to be able to have friends over whenever they want. I want to have my friends over whenever I want. I want to have dinner parties, barbeques, and bonfires. I want good memories with not only our family but with friends.

I don't want the life to be full of bad and stressful moments. I want to embrace my daughter's toddler years. I want to make the best. Tonight they talked about legacy, and how children can be a great legacy to leave behind. I agree. I want to take hold of those legacies and do anything and everything I can to make sure they are great. As a stay at home homeschooling mom, I have felt that God called me to to do this. We have sacrificed a lot for me to stay home because we know this is what God wants. However, at times I get caught up in the stress of it all and forget this. I now have a new drive. My legacy. This is my life's work. They are my legacy.