As we come upon Squaky's 4th birthday, I figured that I should update everyone on her medical conditions. It has been quite some time since my last update.
Laryngomalacia & Speech - This throat & breathing issue that was supposed to be cured as a baby may or may not have been. When she was younger, she had many problems eating properly. There is no proof that the two are related, but it seems very likely. Over the last 18 months or so, she has been going to therapy for this. She has finally mastered eating properly and now we are solely working on her speech. There are days that I feel like she is doing so well that we don't even really need therapy anymore. Then, I see her talking with other kids her age or younger and realize that while she has progressed greatly, she is still far behind her peers in speech. We continue to attend speech therapy weekly and probably will do so for a couple more years.
Hip Dysplasia - This is something she was born with. Her left hip was not formed properly and is something we have had to monitor at certain points in her life. The last x-ray we had was at age two. At that time, her hip appeared to be forming correctly. Also, her shorter leg had caught up to the longer one. Since all was looking good, the doctor told us that he wouldn't need to see her again till age four. Though he said he wouldn't need to see her for two years, he said that surgery could still be a real possibility. Kids with this problem can still learn to walk, run, and do other activities without a visible side effect. He said that we wouldn't know until age 4 what the outcome would be. We have the x-ray scheduled for the 18th. Our prayer request would be that things have formed normally and that surgery will not be necessary.
Sensory Processing Disorder - This is by far the disorder that affects our lives the most at this time in life. We have periods where her life is so out of control that we don't know how to help her. Currently, she is having problems getting to sleep. No matter how much therapy we work into her day, she just can't go to sleep. We have tried everything the therapist and I know to do (daily at home therapy, swimming, reading, chamomile tea, lavender oil, no tv, etc.). An exam by the pediatrician did not turn up anything else that would be causing this, so we are back to square one with this situation. We continue to experiment with essential oils and the doctor has requested that we go dairy free for a couple weeks to see if that helps. (A dairy & gluten free diet is very successful in helping SPD with many kids. We have just never tried it because our food choices are already so limited.) Until we find what helps her, or her senses return to normal function, unfortunately we have a super tired child on our hands that is so exhausted that she is hyper all day long. This is very trying to the entire family because it effects all of our sleep. Living in a small house, the other kids do not sleep well if they can hear Squaky up, and so they are staying up late every night as well.
Food Allergies - For those who don't know, she is allergic to: oat, apple, all berries, all melon (cucumber included), and pork. Just for good measure, we also don't feed her pears since it is a cousin of both the apple and the strawberry. Though she is allergic to a lot of things, eating (and shopping) is so much easier now. It took a long time to master, but I now know how to read labels very quickly while looking for the many names foods are hidden under. We also now only eat kosher foods, which helps matters so much. I used to think that eating kosher was really expensive and only found in the "Kosher" section of the store. About ten months ago, a friend showed me how to read kosher labels, and of course I researched it more on my own. I am so glad that I was told about the benefits of eating kosher, and shown that kosher foods are actually found in every aisle of the store. Before going kosher, we had many outbreaks that I could not explain. Once I found out that the Rabbi's who oversee companies that are kosher are very strict about cross-contamination, it made so much since why we should eat kosher. Since going kosher, we have not had a single unexplained outbreak. That is huge!! We used to have about one a month! Who knew so many foods could have cross contamination? Kinda scary when you think about it... Many people have asked me when we will start trying these foods again to see if she has outgrown them. At this time, I have no plans to start re-introducing these foods to her. She has had allergic reactions to accidentally sitting in someone's granola bar crumbs, a blue slurpee, and simply picking up an apple. This tells us that she is in fact still highly allergic to oats, berries, and apples.
So, I guess to sum it all up: We have gone from an infant who had trouble breathing, to a baby/todder covered in hives, to a very rambunctious little girl, who despite all these issues, lives a fairly normal life with near invisible disabilities. Though at times living with all these issues can be very stressful, it is the life we have come accustomed to. We love this little girl very much and all the hassles these conditions put us through are completely worth it.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Big decisions for little people
It seems as though I tend to write more when I am sad, angry or exhausted. I don't take the time often enough to post when I am happy and things are going great. Probably because during those times, I don't take time to sit and relax after the kids go to bed. During those times, I bake, sing, talk on the phone, and do other "fun" things that I like after the kids go to bed. So here I sit, after another exhausting night and wanting to write. Though there is plenty of negative frustrations to write about, there are also some great things going on that I NEED to write about.
Though this has really been in the works for over a year; within the last month my oldest really got to talking about baptism. With her being a mere 9yrs old, I was afraid of her making decisions she did not fully understand the gravity of. So, keeping with my main parenting philosophy, I just answered her questions without giving more information than what she asked for. The questions got deeper and deeper and eventually I realized that she may actually be ready to start making big decisions on her own, or at least this one. She asked me if she could plan a date to become baptized. I told her I didn't know if she was mature enough and that I wanted her to speak with a pastor who would then decide if they thought she was truly understanding what she was doing. Little did I know, she had been speaking with this pastor for quite some time about it and they were just waiting for the call.
During one of these times of questioning, my 6yr old randomly said he wanted to be baptized as well. I just kind of mentally brushed his comment aside assuming he just wanted to be like his sister, and his desire for this would go away. It didn't. Two days later he was getting very adamant that he needed to be baptized at the same time as her. I wasn't sure what to think. I am very skeptical about letting a child get baptized before they are truly ready. I wouldn't ever want someone to do it to fit in, or because they felt pressure. I needed to be sure he wasn't feeling any of those feelings. At bedtime that night, I sat on his bed and asked why he wanted to be baptized. His answer blew me away. He said "Well mom, I feel like God is calling me to be a pastor and spread his word. The first step to doing that is getting baptized, and it's time I do that and get to work on becoming a pastor." UMMMM, WHAT?! You are six, SIX! You know what God wants you to do with your life?! Okay, I didn't really say that out loud, but that is what was going through my head.
So of course, both kids met with their children's pastor and the meeting went great. We scheduled the baptism for Monday. What?! Not Sunday?! Well, this is THEIR baptism, not mine. I wanted it on Sunday. I wanted the music, the applause and all that, even though I knew I would be an emotional wreck. But this wasn't up to me. This wasn't my decision. I can't tell my kids how to become baptized. I can't tell them how to live life like a christian. It is between them and God. I made my decision years ago. I had my Sunday baptism. I got what I wanted, and now it was their turn. The first big decision of their lives, and as much as I wanted to control how it happened, I couldn't. I didn't even try. I just sat on the sidelines and supported them. As a parent of young kids, that can be so hard to do. I never imagined I would be watching my young 6 & 9yr olds start taking control over their lives at such a young age.
Since this time, my 6yr old has made some remarkable changes. He is taking what he feels is his calling very seriously. His favorite game is "Tell me what to find in the Bible" and then he locates it and has you read it to him. Sometimes he will read it himself. For a kid who has REFUSED to learn to read for two years now, this is huge. He has no interest in reading anything other than the Bible. He carries his Bible everywhere. The grocery store, friends' houses, the car, and every where else he goes. Today I had to forbid him to take it to his class. I had to explain there there is a time to learn the Bible, and there is a time to learn Science, and that the Bible does not need to be carried on a Science hike. His response? "But mom, God created Science, so the Bible has a lot to do with it, so I think I still need it in case we need to look something up."
Oh. My. Goodness!!! Am I really equipped to keep up with this kid?! What do you say to him when he comes up with answers like that? Did God really choose ME to raise a pastor? I am so not the person for this job!!
Though, if it is God's will, then I guess I am the person for this job. I know God will give me the equipment to do it and not screw it up. The thought of my kid becoming a preacher is exhilarating and frightening at the same time. I have to remind myself not to put too much emphasis on this because if I do, it could push him from following God's will. I am just trying to do what I always do. Answer what they want to know, without pushing them beyond what they are capable of understanding, supporting them in what they want & need to do in life, and praying to God that somehow it all works to his glory no matter what my kids' professions end up being in the future.
We serve a mighty, all knowing God. He knows how this will all work out. For now, I just have to sit back and be extremely thankful and proud of my children for giving their lives to Christ.
Though this has really been in the works for over a year; within the last month my oldest really got to talking about baptism. With her being a mere 9yrs old, I was afraid of her making decisions she did not fully understand the gravity of. So, keeping with my main parenting philosophy, I just answered her questions without giving more information than what she asked for. The questions got deeper and deeper and eventually I realized that she may actually be ready to start making big decisions on her own, or at least this one. She asked me if she could plan a date to become baptized. I told her I didn't know if she was mature enough and that I wanted her to speak with a pastor who would then decide if they thought she was truly understanding what she was doing. Little did I know, she had been speaking with this pastor for quite some time about it and they were just waiting for the call.
During one of these times of questioning, my 6yr old randomly said he wanted to be baptized as well. I just kind of mentally brushed his comment aside assuming he just wanted to be like his sister, and his desire for this would go away. It didn't. Two days later he was getting very adamant that he needed to be baptized at the same time as her. I wasn't sure what to think. I am very skeptical about letting a child get baptized before they are truly ready. I wouldn't ever want someone to do it to fit in, or because they felt pressure. I needed to be sure he wasn't feeling any of those feelings. At bedtime that night, I sat on his bed and asked why he wanted to be baptized. His answer blew me away. He said "Well mom, I feel like God is calling me to be a pastor and spread his word. The first step to doing that is getting baptized, and it's time I do that and get to work on becoming a pastor." UMMMM, WHAT?! You are six, SIX! You know what God wants you to do with your life?! Okay, I didn't really say that out loud, but that is what was going through my head.
So of course, both kids met with their children's pastor and the meeting went great. We scheduled the baptism for Monday. What?! Not Sunday?! Well, this is THEIR baptism, not mine. I wanted it on Sunday. I wanted the music, the applause and all that, even though I knew I would be an emotional wreck. But this wasn't up to me. This wasn't my decision. I can't tell my kids how to become baptized. I can't tell them how to live life like a christian. It is between them and God. I made my decision years ago. I had my Sunday baptism. I got what I wanted, and now it was their turn. The first big decision of their lives, and as much as I wanted to control how it happened, I couldn't. I didn't even try. I just sat on the sidelines and supported them. As a parent of young kids, that can be so hard to do. I never imagined I would be watching my young 6 & 9yr olds start taking control over their lives at such a young age.
Since this time, my 6yr old has made some remarkable changes. He is taking what he feels is his calling very seriously. His favorite game is "Tell me what to find in the Bible" and then he locates it and has you read it to him. Sometimes he will read it himself. For a kid who has REFUSED to learn to read for two years now, this is huge. He has no interest in reading anything other than the Bible. He carries his Bible everywhere. The grocery store, friends' houses, the car, and every where else he goes. Today I had to forbid him to take it to his class. I had to explain there there is a time to learn the Bible, and there is a time to learn Science, and that the Bible does not need to be carried on a Science hike. His response? "But mom, God created Science, so the Bible has a lot to do with it, so I think I still need it in case we need to look something up."
Oh. My. Goodness!!! Am I really equipped to keep up with this kid?! What do you say to him when he comes up with answers like that? Did God really choose ME to raise a pastor? I am so not the person for this job!!
Though, if it is God's will, then I guess I am the person for this job. I know God will give me the equipment to do it and not screw it up. The thought of my kid becoming a preacher is exhilarating and frightening at the same time. I have to remind myself not to put too much emphasis on this because if I do, it could push him from following God's will. I am just trying to do what I always do. Answer what they want to know, without pushing them beyond what they are capable of understanding, supporting them in what they want & need to do in life, and praying to God that somehow it all works to his glory no matter what my kids' professions end up being in the future.
We serve a mighty, all knowing God. He knows how this will all work out. For now, I just have to sit back and be extremely thankful and proud of my children for giving their lives to Christ.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
From stressed to extremely thankful.
As I sit here thinking back on the last few months, I think I have gone through just about every emotion possible. I have had some really low days and some really high days. As I have searched to find meaning in this last pregnancy, I have learned many things.
It isn't our job to understand why God allows things to happen. Maybe God allows these things to happen for smaller reasons than we would like. Maybe that reason is to simply bring us closer to him and to each other.
As I have gone through these emotions, I have had a friend right there with me going through this as well. We have both lost two babies this year. It's tough. Knowing that a friend is going through the exact same thing as you is heartbreaking and comforting at the same time. I am glad that we have each other to lean upon during these days.
Right now I am doing quite well. I think this loss has helped me to mellow out. I have always had a laid back personality, but I was stressing a lot the last few years. Always worried about what people thought of my house, kids, my friendship, and on and on the list goes. I tried so hard to make people happy, to give the best of me to everyone I came in contact with. When in reality, my stress probably showed way more than I ever imagined. My stress would get the better of me and I would snap, usually at my husband or kids. Having recently (2008, when we moved to Indiana) left all my friends in Oregon, I was so afraid of not having friends here that I would go the distance, giving of myself till I could give no more, even if other friends were advising me against it. I don't know why it took another pregnancy loss to realize how much I needed to let this stuff go, but I am glad I have realized this.
I am so much happier in my life now. I feel that all the stress is gone. I just don't care enough to stress, and I don't mean that in a depressing way. The changes in my life are subtle from the outside, but huge for those living in my house. For the first time ever, I am homeschooling my kids the exact way I have always wanted to. I have quiet mommy time on a daily basis for the first time ever. I am getting back to making nearly all of our food from scratch. I am surrounding myself only with people who enrich my life, not stress me out or contribute to drama. I am happy. Of course I still get emotional or cranky some days, but all in all, I am happy. Happy to be here. Happy that I have a great husband who is by my side through everything in life. Thankful for 3 beautiful children in our home, and the freedom to homeschool them. Thankful that homeschooling gives us time as a family during the day since we do not have evenings together. Thankful for friends who don't want to just see me as the outgoing personality I pretend to be most of the time. Thankful I have finally found a group of friends that I can be 100% real with, no matter what my mood that day.
This new less stressful life is making a difference in my kids as well. The kids are not as stressed. There is less yelling and fighting in the house. The kids are becoming even closer friends. Nothing warms a moms heart more than hearing her kids make up songs about how much they love one another and their parents. Watching your kids practice their secret sibling handshake over and over is priceless. These are moments I will cherish forever.
Looking back on my posts from this summer, I can see how much I have changed. I still don't understand everything, but I am so thankful that God has used these things to make me a better wife, mother and friend.
It isn't our job to understand why God allows things to happen. Maybe God allows these things to happen for smaller reasons than we would like. Maybe that reason is to simply bring us closer to him and to each other.
As I have gone through these emotions, I have had a friend right there with me going through this as well. We have both lost two babies this year. It's tough. Knowing that a friend is going through the exact same thing as you is heartbreaking and comforting at the same time. I am glad that we have each other to lean upon during these days.
Right now I am doing quite well. I think this loss has helped me to mellow out. I have always had a laid back personality, but I was stressing a lot the last few years. Always worried about what people thought of my house, kids, my friendship, and on and on the list goes. I tried so hard to make people happy, to give the best of me to everyone I came in contact with. When in reality, my stress probably showed way more than I ever imagined. My stress would get the better of me and I would snap, usually at my husband or kids. Having recently (2008, when we moved to Indiana) left all my friends in Oregon, I was so afraid of not having friends here that I would go the distance, giving of myself till I could give no more, even if other friends were advising me against it. I don't know why it took another pregnancy loss to realize how much I needed to let this stuff go, but I am glad I have realized this.
I am so much happier in my life now. I feel that all the stress is gone. I just don't care enough to stress, and I don't mean that in a depressing way. The changes in my life are subtle from the outside, but huge for those living in my house. For the first time ever, I am homeschooling my kids the exact way I have always wanted to. I have quiet mommy time on a daily basis for the first time ever. I am getting back to making nearly all of our food from scratch. I am surrounding myself only with people who enrich my life, not stress me out or contribute to drama. I am happy. Of course I still get emotional or cranky some days, but all in all, I am happy. Happy to be here. Happy that I have a great husband who is by my side through everything in life. Thankful for 3 beautiful children in our home, and the freedom to homeschool them. Thankful that homeschooling gives us time as a family during the day since we do not have evenings together. Thankful for friends who don't want to just see me as the outgoing personality I pretend to be most of the time. Thankful I have finally found a group of friends that I can be 100% real with, no matter what my mood that day.
This new less stressful life is making a difference in my kids as well. The kids are not as stressed. There is less yelling and fighting in the house. The kids are becoming even closer friends. Nothing warms a moms heart more than hearing her kids make up songs about how much they love one another and their parents. Watching your kids practice their secret sibling handshake over and over is priceless. These are moments I will cherish forever.
Looking back on my posts from this summer, I can see how much I have changed. I still don't understand everything, but I am so thankful that God has used these things to make me a better wife, mother and friend.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Crazy time in life!
Well, I am now 18 days past surgery. I feel so much better! Come to find out those little antibiotic pills I was supposed to take after surgery were forgotten about and though I was supposed to take 2 a day for 14 days, I had only taken one! OOPS!! So, as soon as I realized this, I started taking them and felt better the next day. So glad the doctor mentioned it and I took them before I got an infection!
Though I have still been tired, I have been able to keep up with a crazy schedule of 4H, swim club & VBS. The last week or so has been crazy!! I have been gone almost every day, all day long. I have run on 4-6hrs of sleep most nights. Though it is all exhausting, it is worth it. The kids are learning some great life experiences.
Though I have still been tired, I have been able to keep up with a crazy schedule of 4H, swim club & VBS. The last week or so has been crazy!! I have been gone almost every day, all day long. I have run on 4-6hrs of sleep most nights. Though it is all exhausting, it is worth it. The kids are learning some great life experiences.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Recovery
Well, I am now 11 days past surgery. I would love to say that things are better emotionally but it's not. People say they will be there for you but in reality they aren't even there to talk with you when you need to talk. The person I have been closest with the last few months doesn't even listen to what I have to say for more than a few seconds before she goes into talking about her recent adoption. I don't think she realizes how frustrated and mad it makes me. In the same two week period she found out about an urgent adoption, I found out I was losing the pregnancy we thought was giving us a new baby. The last thing I want to hear about is her having "symptoms similar to a mom with a new baby". I am supposed to be the one becoming a new mom again, not her. I know she doesn't mean it but it feels like she is rubbing it in. What makes it the worst though is that she is ignorant to the fact that I need to talk through this. She has no idea how I am feeling because she hasn't taken the time to listen. I feel like I have not only lost the baby I thought I was having but I have also lost the close friendship I had because a new child entered her life and she no longer has time to be a friend to me.
Physically I am not recovered either. When they said I could return to normal activities in 48 hours, they must not have meant caring for a rambunctious three year old. People of course offered to help, but with it being the weekend of 4th of July, no one was really able to follow through with that offer. I had help the day of surgery and part of July 4th. My hubby was home that weekend but the kids still needed me. I tried to rest but with out of state family in town, it didn't really work out well. My three year old needed lifted up, carried and such things many times. Of course since I felt a little better, I didn't even think twice about it. After six days of this, I really felt it taking a toll. I felt horrible. My entire body was numb and weak. I got a couple extra hours of sleep and it seemed to help. Now, I sit here on day 12, still recovering. I am still weak and tire easily. I am using caffeine every day, all day long just to keep me up and functioning. I don't sleep well at night because of my emotions and I am sure that is not helping. Tomorrow I see the doctor. I had hoped for a clean bill of health and be allowed to resume my workouts. Unfortunately I don't think that will happen. I am frustrated with myself. I am frustrated I chose surgery during such a busy span of the summer. In some ways I wish I would have waited for my body to naturally miscarry. In reality though, I know that I would be much worse off if I would have chosen that route. I know there was no perfect answer in this situation. Every situation that was available to me was a hard route. I hate this hard road I am on. I hate not caring for my children they way I would like. I hate being mad at the world. I hate crying all the time. I hate that I don't have anyone to really talk to about this. I just hate this entire situation. I want it to all be over. I want my life back.
Physically I am not recovered either. When they said I could return to normal activities in 48 hours, they must not have meant caring for a rambunctious three year old. People of course offered to help, but with it being the weekend of 4th of July, no one was really able to follow through with that offer. I had help the day of surgery and part of July 4th. My hubby was home that weekend but the kids still needed me. I tried to rest but with out of state family in town, it didn't really work out well. My three year old needed lifted up, carried and such things many times. Of course since I felt a little better, I didn't even think twice about it. After six days of this, I really felt it taking a toll. I felt horrible. My entire body was numb and weak. I got a couple extra hours of sleep and it seemed to help. Now, I sit here on day 12, still recovering. I am still weak and tire easily. I am using caffeine every day, all day long just to keep me up and functioning. I don't sleep well at night because of my emotions and I am sure that is not helping. Tomorrow I see the doctor. I had hoped for a clean bill of health and be allowed to resume my workouts. Unfortunately I don't think that will happen. I am frustrated with myself. I am frustrated I chose surgery during such a busy span of the summer. In some ways I wish I would have waited for my body to naturally miscarry. In reality though, I know that I would be much worse off if I would have chosen that route. I know there was no perfect answer in this situation. Every situation that was available to me was a hard route. I hate this hard road I am on. I hate not caring for my children they way I would like. I hate being mad at the world. I hate crying all the time. I hate that I don't have anyone to really talk to about this. I just hate this entire situation. I want it to all be over. I want my life back.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Surgery
Today we went to the doctor again. A third ultrasound confirmed that though my uterus is still growing, there is no baby or fetal pole. We decided to go ahead with the D&C outpatient surgery. I am so thankful for good friends who stepped right up to take our children for the night/day. It is nice to know that everything is falling into place for my hubby to be with me at the hospital and at home for two days.
I feel so relieved to know that in just a few days I should start feeling better. It has been a long ten weeks of feeling sick. Though I am really sad for this loss, I am happy to finally have it all over. I am physically and emotionally drained.
I feel so relieved to know that in just a few days I should start feeling better. It has been a long ten weeks of feeling sick. Though I am really sad for this loss, I am happy to finally have it all over. I am physically and emotionally drained.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Done. Just done.
Yesterday I was confident that I was going to let this happen naturally. I have been trying things to induce labor and nothing is working. This morning I didn't feel good and laid in bed after yet another night of laboring (though not as hard or long as the previous night). Around 1pm, I decided that I would get up and work my tail off today. Surely that would put me into labor, right?! I worked hard, cleaning, organizing, moving furniture, doing dishes and a few loads of laundry. After six hours, still nothing. Just the normal contractions I have had for months during other pregnancies.
This is frustrating. I now see why women just opt for the D&C day surgery. While I know God can handle this and that he will in his own time, I don't want to wait. I have family coming in town in four days. I want to be recovered when they arrive, or at least beginning to recover. Even if I wait to naturally miscarry, it could take up to another couple weeks. Then I just have to hope everything comes out at once, or I will still have to go in for a D&C. So while I feel selfish saying this cause I am taking away God's power to do this in his timing, I am opting for the surgery.
Tomorrow morning I am scheduled to see the doctor so she can be sure everything is miscarrying fine. Since that hasn't even started, I am going to discuss surgery. I am hoping the hospital has an opening within the next couple days. I want to be on the road to recovery when my cousin arrives. I feel incredibly selfish right now, but I am just so frustrated. Frustrated that God allowed us to think this was meant to be. That the name we decided on meant "God's Gift" because we truly felt this was an unexpected gift from him. That now we find out that there wasn't a gift at all, what we named was a huge empty space. We are the skeptical couple who never gets excited till we are confident that things are going well and baby will be okay. Why did God allow us to think differently about this one? Why did this have to happen at all? I know God has a reason for everything in life, but I just can't think of a good reason for this.
People say that losing a blighted ovum is easier than losing a baby. How?! How is it easier to tell your 9 & 6yr old that you were never really pregnant after they suspected you were and had already told some of their friends. They don't understand how I can be pregnant but no baby. It would probably be easier to say the baby died. At least that they would understand. If there had been a baby, at least I wouldn't feel like all the morning sickness, huge stomach, and 8 weeks of missed workouts weren't for nothing. I feel like I have lost two months of my life for nothing. Like my kids suffered, stuck in front of the tv for nothing. Why did they have to sit and deal with an emotionally unstable mom for two months just for an empty blob?
The entire situation makes me want to cry, scream, and go crawl in a hole all at the same time. I am more mad about what this has done to my kids than I am about not having a new baby. When trying to look at the bright side, I can at least think of one thing. My three year old is clueless as to what is happening. Yes she knows mommy has been emotionally unstable but that's it. She wasn't excited over a new baby. She didn't know why mom's belly was getting big (though she did mention it one time). She wasn't talking to friends about it. She was just living her happy go lucky three year old life. In her mind, life is perfect.
This is frustrating. I now see why women just opt for the D&C day surgery. While I know God can handle this and that he will in his own time, I don't want to wait. I have family coming in town in four days. I want to be recovered when they arrive, or at least beginning to recover. Even if I wait to naturally miscarry, it could take up to another couple weeks. Then I just have to hope everything comes out at once, or I will still have to go in for a D&C. So while I feel selfish saying this cause I am taking away God's power to do this in his timing, I am opting for the surgery.
Tomorrow morning I am scheduled to see the doctor so she can be sure everything is miscarrying fine. Since that hasn't even started, I am going to discuss surgery. I am hoping the hospital has an opening within the next couple days. I want to be on the road to recovery when my cousin arrives. I feel incredibly selfish right now, but I am just so frustrated. Frustrated that God allowed us to think this was meant to be. That the name we decided on meant "God's Gift" because we truly felt this was an unexpected gift from him. That now we find out that there wasn't a gift at all, what we named was a huge empty space. We are the skeptical couple who never gets excited till we are confident that things are going well and baby will be okay. Why did God allow us to think differently about this one? Why did this have to happen at all? I know God has a reason for everything in life, but I just can't think of a good reason for this.
People say that losing a blighted ovum is easier than losing a baby. How?! How is it easier to tell your 9 & 6yr old that you were never really pregnant after they suspected you were and had already told some of their friends. They don't understand how I can be pregnant but no baby. It would probably be easier to say the baby died. At least that they would understand. If there had been a baby, at least I wouldn't feel like all the morning sickness, huge stomach, and 8 weeks of missed workouts weren't for nothing. I feel like I have lost two months of my life for nothing. Like my kids suffered, stuck in front of the tv for nothing. Why did they have to sit and deal with an emotionally unstable mom for two months just for an empty blob?
The entire situation makes me want to cry, scream, and go crawl in a hole all at the same time. I am more mad about what this has done to my kids than I am about not having a new baby. When trying to look at the bright side, I can at least think of one thing. My three year old is clueless as to what is happening. Yes she knows mommy has been emotionally unstable but that's it. She wasn't excited over a new baby. She didn't know why mom's belly was getting big (though she did mention it one time). She wasn't talking to friends about it. She was just living her happy go lucky three year old life. In her mind, life is perfect.
My blighted ovum
(Written on 6/29/14, but waited to decide if I really wanted to post it or not.)
The last few months have been busy prepping for our ten year anniversary vow renewal. Amongst that we also have had swimming, baseball, and out of state visitors. It has been a whirlwind few months. When we weren't busy with those things, we spent most of our time home with me being sick or too tired to do anything.
Why was I sick? Well, I was pregnant. For the 6th time. Second time this year. Guess that natural family planning thing that has gone excellent for us for the last few years isn't going so well this year. I lost the other pregnancy at six weeks. I never got really sick with it, though I did have symptoms. The main symptom was changing tastes and a strong craving for mustard even though I normally could care less about mustard. Hence, that baby got the nickname Mustard. Since I wasn't horribly sick, we weren't too shocked when I lost it. It wasn't my first time, and our youngest child had a rough pregnancy from the start so we just felt this one wasn't a strong enough pregnancy to make it.
Now, back to that 6th pregnancy. I didn't even realize I was pregnant till I missed a period. I have NEVER missed a period the first month of being pregnant, but I did this time. I also have never had a urine pregnancy test come up positive, but since I had one laying around from earlier in the year, I decided to take one. It was positive within 20 seconds!! Though I was in shock, not really wanting to be pregnant, have to start changing diapers again, and all those things that go along with a baby, I was relieved. I figured that if my levels were high enough to show a positive pregnancy test, then this would be a healthy pregnancy and we wouldn't have to go through another loss.
Almost immediately my muscles gave way and I started gaining inches. It was all I could do to squeeze into my bustier/girdle thing for the renewal. My belly was so squished! Every day I had to choose my clothing depending on who I was going to see. Baggy if I was seeing someone who hadn't already guessed, or normal clothes for those who knew. By week 6 I had gained a whopping three inches and it looked like a basketball, not flub. It was getting so hard to hide, so I kinda stuck to the rule of not seeing anyone who didn't already know unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully life was so busy that my friends didn't really realize I was ignoring them and pushing off playdates.
At my request, the doctor blood work early (8wks instead of 11wks) due to previous complications. We eliminated complications from a blood disorder that my Grandmother has, but found out my progesterone was very low. The doctor wanted to see me. Two days later I laid on a table and had my first ultrasound. Nothing. Just a big black empty space. Knowing it was early, I wasn't afraid but was slightly concerned because we should have been able to see a "bean". The doctor put me on some pretty expensive medicine in hopes that things would be okay after it was in my system and baby would start growing fast enough for us to see. She also scheduled more labs and another ultrasound.
So, on the medicine I went. It made me feel horribly sick all night and till afternoon the next day. I only felt good in the evenings. But it was worth it if it would result in a healthy baby. A week later we found out that my HCG levels had lowered. I was concerned, but also read stories on the internet of those levels coming back and resulting in healthy babies. That gave me hope. By now my husband and I had come to terms with another baby. We have gotten a new crib, onesies, maternity clothes, and it all just felt it was coming together. Sure it was a boy and having never been wrong on my feeling about this, he even had a first name.
A week later my hubby and I go to our second ultrasound. Almost immediately the technician asks if this was our first peek. I informed her of the situation, what I had read about blighted ovums and how the doctor already asked me two days prior to stop medicine and let it miscarry, but that we decided to wait on one more set of labs and ultrasound just to be sure we weren't missing a baby. She did the most thorough ultrasound I have ever seen. She went through layer by later looking for anything that could resemble a baby or fetal pole. Nothing. Then she switched to blood flow mode to see if there was anything flowing through my uterus. Nothing. No baby at all. No hopes of a baby. Nothing we can do. Now it is time to let go and either schedule a D&C or let it naturally miscarry.
I stopped the medicine that night. The next day contraction started. It has been three days. I have been having labor pains on and off the entire time. Last night I was up all night in labor, just to have it stop around 6am. Today has been fine so far. It's frustrating. I just want to be done. I had hoped to get this over with while hubby was off work for the weekend. I don't want to do this during the week when I am home alone caring for 3 kids. I am now ten weeks. It is not going to be an easy miscarriage like the 6wk one earlier this year. I wish I could just schedule when this happens. Yes, I could go have it surgically done, but I feel that if God gave us this pregnancy, then God will handle this end of it as well just like he has with my last two miscarriages. I just hate waiting games. It's frustrating and emotional. I just want to be done.
The last few months have been busy prepping for our ten year anniversary vow renewal. Amongst that we also have had swimming, baseball, and out of state visitors. It has been a whirlwind few months. When we weren't busy with those things, we spent most of our time home with me being sick or too tired to do anything.
Why was I sick? Well, I was pregnant. For the 6th time. Second time this year. Guess that natural family planning thing that has gone excellent for us for the last few years isn't going so well this year. I lost the other pregnancy at six weeks. I never got really sick with it, though I did have symptoms. The main symptom was changing tastes and a strong craving for mustard even though I normally could care less about mustard. Hence, that baby got the nickname Mustard. Since I wasn't horribly sick, we weren't too shocked when I lost it. It wasn't my first time, and our youngest child had a rough pregnancy from the start so we just felt this one wasn't a strong enough pregnancy to make it.
Now, back to that 6th pregnancy. I didn't even realize I was pregnant till I missed a period. I have NEVER missed a period the first month of being pregnant, but I did this time. I also have never had a urine pregnancy test come up positive, but since I had one laying around from earlier in the year, I decided to take one. It was positive within 20 seconds!! Though I was in shock, not really wanting to be pregnant, have to start changing diapers again, and all those things that go along with a baby, I was relieved. I figured that if my levels were high enough to show a positive pregnancy test, then this would be a healthy pregnancy and we wouldn't have to go through another loss.
Almost immediately my muscles gave way and I started gaining inches. It was all I could do to squeeze into my bustier/girdle thing for the renewal. My belly was so squished! Every day I had to choose my clothing depending on who I was going to see. Baggy if I was seeing someone who hadn't already guessed, or normal clothes for those who knew. By week 6 I had gained a whopping three inches and it looked like a basketball, not flub. It was getting so hard to hide, so I kinda stuck to the rule of not seeing anyone who didn't already know unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully life was so busy that my friends didn't really realize I was ignoring them and pushing off playdates.
At my request, the doctor blood work early (8wks instead of 11wks) due to previous complications. We eliminated complications from a blood disorder that my Grandmother has, but found out my progesterone was very low. The doctor wanted to see me. Two days later I laid on a table and had my first ultrasound. Nothing. Just a big black empty space. Knowing it was early, I wasn't afraid but was slightly concerned because we should have been able to see a "bean". The doctor put me on some pretty expensive medicine in hopes that things would be okay after it was in my system and baby would start growing fast enough for us to see. She also scheduled more labs and another ultrasound.
So, on the medicine I went. It made me feel horribly sick all night and till afternoon the next day. I only felt good in the evenings. But it was worth it if it would result in a healthy baby. A week later we found out that my HCG levels had lowered. I was concerned, but also read stories on the internet of those levels coming back and resulting in healthy babies. That gave me hope. By now my husband and I had come to terms with another baby. We have gotten a new crib, onesies, maternity clothes, and it all just felt it was coming together. Sure it was a boy and having never been wrong on my feeling about this, he even had a first name.
A week later my hubby and I go to our second ultrasound. Almost immediately the technician asks if this was our first peek. I informed her of the situation, what I had read about blighted ovums and how the doctor already asked me two days prior to stop medicine and let it miscarry, but that we decided to wait on one more set of labs and ultrasound just to be sure we weren't missing a baby. She did the most thorough ultrasound I have ever seen. She went through layer by later looking for anything that could resemble a baby or fetal pole. Nothing. Then she switched to blood flow mode to see if there was anything flowing through my uterus. Nothing. No baby at all. No hopes of a baby. Nothing we can do. Now it is time to let go and either schedule a D&C or let it naturally miscarry.
I stopped the medicine that night. The next day contraction started. It has been three days. I have been having labor pains on and off the entire time. Last night I was up all night in labor, just to have it stop around 6am. Today has been fine so far. It's frustrating. I just want to be done. I had hoped to get this over with while hubby was off work for the weekend. I don't want to do this during the week when I am home alone caring for 3 kids. I am now ten weeks. It is not going to be an easy miscarriage like the 6wk one earlier this year. I wish I could just schedule when this happens. Yes, I could go have it surgically done, but I feel that if God gave us this pregnancy, then God will handle this end of it as well just like he has with my last two miscarriages. I just hate waiting games. It's frustrating and emotional. I just want to be done.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Bittersweet Day
I didn't even realize today was coming. It is a day that I usually dread for a couple weeks, yet somehow this time around I didn't even realize it was that time of year. Not too many people know, as I have kept pretty quiet about it, but had I not miscarried, we would now have a four year old. Every March, I have a huge reminder of that in my cousin's child. Our children would have just been a couple weeks apart. Each and every year, I grieve this loss. I know that it wasn't meant to be, because if we would have had that child, I would not have the beautiful three year old I now have. Knowing that though, never eased the pain. I have always felt guilty for losing this child because it was stress that caused the miscarriage at nearly three months along. Today when I got on Facebook and saw pictures celebrating this little girl's 4th birthday, I felt so happy for her. She is a beautiful little girl, and for the first time, I was able to be happy about her birthday and not sad. While I am so glad that I have finally gotten beyond seeing her as a reminder of the one that I lost, I am also sad that I have gotten to the point where I didn't even realize it was that time of year. Such a bittersweet day of realizing how far I have moved past this.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Today's thoughts
Today I got my new sewing machine. Really excited to get it! Can't wait till Thursday when I have the opportunity to try it out.
Planning for something with the code name of "Pretty princess potluck" is back in full swing. I am so excited!! We have 82 days left till the event, and so much to do. I am so glad to have a friend planning along side me, and helping me with each decision. I definitely could not be pulling this off without her!
Winter has finally broken! We got up to 58 today! It was so nice to watch the kids ride bikes, play in the yard, and just enjoy being outside. I wasn't able to get in a bike ride, but I hope to get one in tomorrow. I have already ridden 8.5 miles this year. For only two rides, both at roughly 45 degrees, that isn't too bad. If my bike will fit in the car trunk, then I plan to ride tomorrow while Squeeks is at therapy. She has a two hour session, so I should be able to get in a good ride. I just hope to find a good route.
Planning for something with the code name of "Pretty princess potluck" is back in full swing. I am so excited!! We have 82 days left till the event, and so much to do. I am so glad to have a friend planning along side me, and helping me with each decision. I definitely could not be pulling this off without her!
Winter has finally broken! We got up to 58 today! It was so nice to watch the kids ride bikes, play in the yard, and just enjoy being outside. I wasn't able to get in a bike ride, but I hope to get one in tomorrow. I have already ridden 8.5 miles this year. For only two rides, both at roughly 45 degrees, that isn't too bad. If my bike will fit in the car trunk, then I plan to ride tomorrow while Squeeks is at therapy. She has a two hour session, so I should be able to get in a good ride. I just hope to find a good route.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Are you Pentacostal??
Well, I did it. I wore a denim skirt on Sunday. It was not what I would consider a frumpy looking casual denim skirt. It was a very dark, long skirt that came to my ankles. I paired it with a dressy shirt which had a 3 tier necklace thing attached to it. I loved this outfit. Once home from church, I changed into a more casual shirt. Before going out to dinner, I threw a half button down sweater on top of my casual shirt. So, ok, I admit, once I added the sweater, I probably did look frumpy. While we were out to dinner, I was approached by a girl about age 13. She said "Are you Pentacostal? I don't remember seeing you at church, but well, you are wearing a denim skirt, so you must be Pentacostal, right?!" Um, No.....And this is exactly why I didn't want to wear a denim skirt out in public....I don't want singled out like that. I just want to wear my skirts and look girly. I don't want to draw attention. I don't want categorized as "One of THOSE women". I just want to be a girl who is dressing to please and respect my husband, other men, and God.
So, as I already blogged, a friend had asked me why I looked nice. This then opened up room for an exceptional talk about what God is doing in my life with this, why I have recently become to strongly believe in modesty, and things like that. It also opened up a way for her to candidly speak with me about religion and her views on it. It was awesome!! We have been friends for over a year and never really discussed her views. Our views differ, but since I spoke so candidly about modesty, she finally felt comfortable enough to talk about religion. I loved it. I couldn't believe how just wearing a skirt could open up such a candid conversation about something so deep.
Do I care what people think? No, not really. The reason I care about being singled out is because I don't want people to assume things about me. I don't want them to assume that I am not willing to talk about this. I don't want them to assume I have always dressed this way and judge them for not doing so. I don't want someone's view of my clothing to make them think I am unapproachable. These two circumstances really showed me how even wearing different skirts can have a huge effect on how people view me. It is almost a bigger difference than jeans to skirts.
So, moral of the story? If I feel the need to wear my denim skirt out of the house, be prepared to be judged....Also, refrain from wearing frumpy sweaters with denim skirts.
So, as I already blogged, a friend had asked me why I looked nice. This then opened up room for an exceptional talk about what God is doing in my life with this, why I have recently become to strongly believe in modesty, and things like that. It also opened up a way for her to candidly speak with me about religion and her views on it. It was awesome!! We have been friends for over a year and never really discussed her views. Our views differ, but since I spoke so candidly about modesty, she finally felt comfortable enough to talk about religion. I loved it. I couldn't believe how just wearing a skirt could open up such a candid conversation about something so deep.
Do I care what people think? No, not really. The reason I care about being singled out is because I don't want people to assume things about me. I don't want them to assume that I am not willing to talk about this. I don't want them to assume I have always dressed this way and judge them for not doing so. I don't want someone's view of my clothing to make them think I am unapproachable. These two circumstances really showed me how even wearing different skirts can have a huge effect on how people view me. It is almost a bigger difference than jeans to skirts.
So, moral of the story? If I feel the need to wear my denim skirt out of the house, be prepared to be judged....Also, refrain from wearing frumpy sweaters with denim skirts.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Letting the cat out of the bag so to speak...
Well, I said a few blog posts ago that I wouldn't be linking my blog to Facebook for awhile. I think I have changed my mind on that. We are going through so many changes and I am finding that blogging is a good outlet to get my thoughts out. In fact, I feel like I am not blogging enough! I have so much in my head that I want to write about but just can't seem to find the time.
I figure that if I am going to share with Facebook, then I should maybe summarize for those who don't feel the need to go back and read the last few posts...
We as a family have been studying modesty, though it was not originally intended for the boys in the family. At first it was a personal conviction, then paying attention to our girls, how they dress, how boys look at our oldest, and things like that.
A few weeks ago I set some goals for myself regarding my looks. While I had specifics, I will not list those here. What I will say, is that I am trying to dress how I want other women to dress in front of my husband. I want to dress how I assume other women want me dressed in front of their men. I want to show my girls how to be a girl in attitude and looks. To be honest, before I really starting reaching for these new goals, I did not realize how far I was from these things.
I did not realize what an affect it had on my girls that I was not dressing and acting girly. I have never really been a girly girl, and I was okay with that. The big surprise was that I realized that it was also having a major affect on my son and husband! My husband married me and knew who I was, without being done up all the time, so why would it change things with him?
Well, within just a few short days of making changes, I realized that my husband was speaking to me kinder. So was my son. My toddler was informing me that I cannot leave my room without a t-shirt over my camisole. My oldest was taking more responsibility for herself. She always loved dressy outfits, accessorizing, and doing her hair, but now she seems to be making sure she looks put together, and not like Punky Brewster.
These changes have been so good. They go so much deeper than I could have ever imagined. I didn't realize how clothing changes could change the mood of our entire household. I didn't realize how it would change my marriage. I didn't realize that my son would show more respect not only to me, but his sister's as well. When I was reading about modesty in the Bible, it actually talked more about attitude than clothing. Well, I now see how it all plays in to one another, and I would agree, it is more about attitude than clothing. However, clothing can play a huge role. If I act like a lady, expect other's to treat me like a lady, then I will be treated like a lady. In turn, that forces the men/boys to be better gentlemen. You always hear people say "the good ones are taken" Well, maybe if us ladies acted like ladies, then maybe there would be more gentlemen out there.
Lastly, the reason I was keeping quiet about this is very simple. I needed time to figure this out for myself. I needed time for my family to adjust. We needed to figure out where God was leading us and how it was going to change our lives. I needed to come to terms with what God is doing in our lives. I have now spoken to a friend about this who was not aware of the changes going on in full. She had just noticed that I "looked nice". Speaking with this friend made me feel so much better about the questions I will surely face. She was so kind and open to what I had researched and what changes I was making. She was very kind and loving and didn't seem put off by what I had to say. I have been so afraid that people will change their view of me, and think that I am some super religious person or something, when in fact, I am not. The truth is, I am a mess. I think we all are in our own ways. I am and always still will be the relaxed person who doesn't hold back her feelings, and who isn't afraid to talk about things with people. Am I changing? Sure. Aren't we all? We are all on different journeys in life, and this is just where my journey is taking a turn in the road. I don't expect everyone else to take the same road I am.
I figure that if I am going to share with Facebook, then I should maybe summarize for those who don't feel the need to go back and read the last few posts...
We as a family have been studying modesty, though it was not originally intended for the boys in the family. At first it was a personal conviction, then paying attention to our girls, how they dress, how boys look at our oldest, and things like that.
A few weeks ago I set some goals for myself regarding my looks. While I had specifics, I will not list those here. What I will say, is that I am trying to dress how I want other women to dress in front of my husband. I want to dress how I assume other women want me dressed in front of their men. I want to show my girls how to be a girl in attitude and looks. To be honest, before I really starting reaching for these new goals, I did not realize how far I was from these things.
I did not realize what an affect it had on my girls that I was not dressing and acting girly. I have never really been a girly girl, and I was okay with that. The big surprise was that I realized that it was also having a major affect on my son and husband! My husband married me and knew who I was, without being done up all the time, so why would it change things with him?
Well, within just a few short days of making changes, I realized that my husband was speaking to me kinder. So was my son. My toddler was informing me that I cannot leave my room without a t-shirt over my camisole. My oldest was taking more responsibility for herself. She always loved dressy outfits, accessorizing, and doing her hair, but now she seems to be making sure she looks put together, and not like Punky Brewster.
These changes have been so good. They go so much deeper than I could have ever imagined. I didn't realize how clothing changes could change the mood of our entire household. I didn't realize how it would change my marriage. I didn't realize that my son would show more respect not only to me, but his sister's as well. When I was reading about modesty in the Bible, it actually talked more about attitude than clothing. Well, I now see how it all plays in to one another, and I would agree, it is more about attitude than clothing. However, clothing can play a huge role. If I act like a lady, expect other's to treat me like a lady, then I will be treated like a lady. In turn, that forces the men/boys to be better gentlemen. You always hear people say "the good ones are taken" Well, maybe if us ladies acted like ladies, then maybe there would be more gentlemen out there.
Lastly, the reason I was keeping quiet about this is very simple. I needed time to figure this out for myself. I needed time for my family to adjust. We needed to figure out where God was leading us and how it was going to change our lives. I needed to come to terms with what God is doing in our lives. I have now spoken to a friend about this who was not aware of the changes going on in full. She had just noticed that I "looked nice". Speaking with this friend made me feel so much better about the questions I will surely face. She was so kind and open to what I had researched and what changes I was making. She was very kind and loving and didn't seem put off by what I had to say. I have been so afraid that people will change their view of me, and think that I am some super religious person or something, when in fact, I am not. The truth is, I am a mess. I think we all are in our own ways. I am and always still will be the relaxed person who doesn't hold back her feelings, and who isn't afraid to talk about things with people. Am I changing? Sure. Aren't we all? We are all on different journeys in life, and this is just where my journey is taking a turn in the road. I don't expect everyone else to take the same road I am.
Men's thoughts on Modesty
During my time spent researching modesty, I came across a Modesty Survey. Most of the men who took this are Christian men, striving to live pure lives. They were honest in their answers and boy was it eye opening! Girls growing up have always laughed at brothers and fathers saying "We don't want you to wear it because we know what boys are thinking." Well, even as a woman, when my husband has said this on occasion, I sorta laughed it off. I thought I dressed modestly enough, till recently that is. So, I am going to link to this survey so that you all can read what boys and men think, and hear it in detail. It is quite eye opening!! I would have never imagined half of what they think! (It is quite long and in detail, I read it over the course of a few days so that I wasn't just skimming it.)
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
As a side note, as I said before, I have been doing some shopping and sewing to acquire clothing that meets our new modesty rules. It is cold, and though I am beginning to love wearing skirts almost daily, I just can't seem to bring myself to wear them if it is under 15 degrees. Even with tights on, I just can't stay warm while running errands. So today I threw on my favorite jeans and a new sweater which covers my backside. I couldn't believe how many compliments I received on my sweater! Despite running on a mere 4 1/2 hours of sleep, I felt great. It is amazing how different my attitude is when I feel more girly. I never realized how much modesty and feeling better about my clothing would effect my attitude. I just feel so much better. Amazing how quickly things in your life can change when you least expect them to. If you would have told me a few weeks ago that I would have been making these changes, I would have laughed at you. Boy am I glad that I was open to where God was leading us with this!!
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
As a side note, as I said before, I have been doing some shopping and sewing to acquire clothing that meets our new modesty rules. It is cold, and though I am beginning to love wearing skirts almost daily, I just can't seem to bring myself to wear them if it is under 15 degrees. Even with tights on, I just can't stay warm while running errands. So today I threw on my favorite jeans and a new sweater which covers my backside. I couldn't believe how many compliments I received on my sweater! Despite running on a mere 4 1/2 hours of sleep, I felt great. It is amazing how different my attitude is when I feel more girly. I never realized how much modesty and feeling better about my clothing would effect my attitude. I just feel so much better. Amazing how quickly things in your life can change when you least expect them to. If you would have told me a few weeks ago that I would have been making these changes, I would have laughed at you. Boy am I glad that I was open to where God was leading us with this!!
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
A modest life. Is it really?
As we continue this journey to change our clothing it sparks many questions. Not only with other friends, but within myself as well. I am continuing to research, and pray about this.
Last week I was able to make (with a friend's help, who is going through this change with me) four more skirts for myself. Then I also went and bought two more, along with some more cami's and shirts to help with modesty on the top. I have now gone to wearing skirts almost daily. I have come to prefer a skirt over my beloved jeans and yoga pants. Once you go to skirts, you realize just how constricting pants are. Skirts just fit so much better! Though on really cold days, you may still catch me in jeans.
Since I have been covered more, and wearing skirts more, I am noticing changes around my home. My children are showing more respect, I have more drive, and my 3yr old now knows that mommy should put a shirt on over my cami before her brother sees me. Though I have talked with the older two about modesty, I haven't really spoken with my toddler. She has completely picked it up on her own! I didn't realize how making these changes would even affect my toddler's view on clothing.
Why do I have more drive? Well, as far as I have figured out, it is because I feel more like the lady of the house. I feel like I am getting up, ready for my day, and going to work. When I wear pants, I feel like I am ready to lounge. In a skirt, I feel more professional. I guess that makes me more productive. I guess this look also demands more respect from my kids. Or maybe I just feel more assertive in my role as a mother than I did when I was prepared to lounge. Not sure exactly, but I sure do like it!
Wearing skirts is supposed to be more modest, and less of a turn-on to men. However, it is seeming to have the opposite effect on my husband, and my friend's husband as well. That has made us question some things. Is this actually making us more appealing to other men? Is this not being more modest? Well, according to our husbands, it is in fact making us more modest. If so, then why does it have the completely opposite affect on them? Well, God made us for them. They know what package God has wrapped up in those clothing that is just for them. They know that God made us perfect for them, and that we are saving it for them, and them only.
So women, here is the summary of my last week of wearing skirts. If you need to revive your marriage, WEAR SKIRTS DAILY!!! It will do things to your husband that you never imagined! Just give it a try for a week. I guarantee that great things will happen ;)
Last week I was able to make (with a friend's help, who is going through this change with me) four more skirts for myself. Then I also went and bought two more, along with some more cami's and shirts to help with modesty on the top. I have now gone to wearing skirts almost daily. I have come to prefer a skirt over my beloved jeans and yoga pants. Once you go to skirts, you realize just how constricting pants are. Skirts just fit so much better! Though on really cold days, you may still catch me in jeans.
Since I have been covered more, and wearing skirts more, I am noticing changes around my home. My children are showing more respect, I have more drive, and my 3yr old now knows that mommy should put a shirt on over my cami before her brother sees me. Though I have talked with the older two about modesty, I haven't really spoken with my toddler. She has completely picked it up on her own! I didn't realize how making these changes would even affect my toddler's view on clothing.
Why do I have more drive? Well, as far as I have figured out, it is because I feel more like the lady of the house. I feel like I am getting up, ready for my day, and going to work. When I wear pants, I feel like I am ready to lounge. In a skirt, I feel more professional. I guess that makes me more productive. I guess this look also demands more respect from my kids. Or maybe I just feel more assertive in my role as a mother than I did when I was prepared to lounge. Not sure exactly, but I sure do like it!
Wearing skirts is supposed to be more modest, and less of a turn-on to men. However, it is seeming to have the opposite effect on my husband, and my friend's husband as well. That has made us question some things. Is this actually making us more appealing to other men? Is this not being more modest? Well, according to our husbands, it is in fact making us more modest. If so, then why does it have the completely opposite affect on them? Well, God made us for them. They know what package God has wrapped up in those clothing that is just for them. They know that God made us perfect for them, and that we are saving it for them, and them only.
So women, here is the summary of my last week of wearing skirts. If you need to revive your marriage, WEAR SKIRTS DAILY!!! It will do things to your husband that you never imagined! Just give it a try for a week. I guarantee that great things will happen ;)
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
What is Modesty?
If I were to ask "What is modesty?" nearly every person would have a different answer. This is a question I have been thinking a lot about, but before I jump to the present, let me go to the past for a bit...
Growing up, I never really thought about modesty. In my teenage years I became more modest, though I think it had to do more with low self-esteem than covering to be modest. As I gained confidence, my clothes became cuter, I wore more makeup, and eventually skimpier clothes. When I met my (now) husband, he never mentioned my clothes and was a perfect gentleman. We were friends for months and he never said a word about my clothing until we were officially dating. Just a couple months into our relationship, he refused to allow me to leave my house until I put something over a low cut top. This was the first time I saw him protective over my body. At the time I found it funny. At the time, though I had always heard "you don't know what it does to a guy", I didn't fully understand what that was.
Years later, I heard about how many men struggle with being too drawn to visual stimuli. After reading books about it, I began to fully understand why men are so protective over the women in their lives. Men aren't trying to stifle us women, they are trying to protect us, and themselves.
Shortly after becoming more aware of the issues surrounding how women attract men, we changed the clothing rules in our home. No shorts or skirts shorter than two inches above the knee. If it is shorter, then there must be another layer underneath that provides full coverage. Simple enough, but still, my daughter (age 5 at the time) received many questions from friends about why her shorts were so long. As a mom, I heard many comments similar to "it shouldn't matter, boys don't look at this age anyways." Well, as a mom, I wanted our rules to just stay consistent, not have to change once her body started changing when she got older.
Fast forward to the present time. Boys are noticing my oldest girl, now almost age nine. My six year old son is already noticing girls and has for awhile. So, yes, boys this young ARE noticing girls, and YES it is important for my daughters to dress modestly.
Have I been a good example of this? Not really. Yes, I have stuck to the household rules about the length of skirts and shorts, but we forgot a major part. We forgot to really think about modest tops. While I was aware of this, and made sure not to wear anything too low cut, I didn't make sure that it was providing full coverage at all times. See, us women tend to look in the mirror straight on. That is not a clear view of how men see us when we move around.
I have heard many many times things along the lines of "not my problem, I am dressed okay, if he is lusting then that's his problem". Though I used to think the same thing, I do not any longer. Just recently I had a huge change of thinking on this, and here is a little story about why:
Recently, I was at church, very hot, and sweating badly underneath under my sweater. Since my sweater was so extremely modest, I completely forgot that what was underneath was not modest at all. While in a hallway with just a few people, I unbuttoned my sweater and started fanning myself, without ever looking down. Then I saw a guy coming from the other direction, his eyes widened, and he turned and ducked back into another room. I instantly realized what I had done, turned and went into a nearby bathroom to cool off.
I have already learned that once men see something, it can be hard for them to erase that image. Guys are extremely visual. God made them that way. God made them to enjoy looking at a woman's body. However, I don't believe that men should be able to lust over every woman's body that comes around. Yes they will see them. Yes they will be tempted. But what happens if us women take the responsibility upon ourselves to help the guys with this temptation? What happens if we realize that us women are the ones partially causing the men to sin? What happens if we think of modesty as not only respecting ourselves and our spouse, but also the men and their wives that we are tempting by not dressing modestly? Am I responsible for any possible lusting or visual distraction I gave that man at church in that hallway? Yes, I am 100% responsible for any impure thoughts or images he may have had. He would not have had them at that moment if I wouldn't have unbuttoned my sweater. This entire situation, though it was just a small moment in time, had a lasting impact on me. It was something I was sorry for immediately, but this sort of thing isn't the type of thing you just walk up to a man and say "I'm sorry for flashing my cleavage at you and tempting you."
During the last few weeks, I have been doing more research on modesty. I have read the Bible, looked at modesty blogs, surveys, read men's opinions, and prayed about it. In the end, I feel like God used what happened at church that morning to open my eyes to an ongoing problem. I have been taking actions within our household to once again change our modesty rules.
We are going to start treating our bodies with respect. We have specific new rules regarding clothing, which I will not go into detail about right now. We are in transition at this point while we accumulate, buy, and make new clothing to fit within our guidelines. So for now, we are making due with what we have. Surprisingly, we are doing quite well and really enjoying this new style! For my girls, it isn't much different than their old style. My girls love dresses and skirts and have no problem wearing them every day. Is that to say that we won't be wearing pants? No. We will wear them, just not as often. Will we still wear workout clothes? YES!!! I LOVE my yoga pants! However, those will only be worn for working out or cleaning. NOT to go to the store, choir or sports practice, or homeschool events.
Today was my first day wearing a skirt to a homeschool class. I had a few people as me why I was so dressed up. I just smiled and said I was trying to get away from dressing frumpy and wearing workout clothes all the time. Then I realized that I had JUST described each and every mom in the hallway. OOPS!!!!! I could have answered that question a different way, but I just don't want people to think of me as a super conservative Christian woman. I have heard many skirt wearing women referred to like that, and be seen as unapproachable, holier than thou people, even though these women are very open and willing to talk about their beliefs. I want people to know that while my clothing is becoming more girly, I am still the same person I was two weeks ago. I have not changed who I am. I have just changed my style.
We are making these decisions for our own family because it is something that God has lead us to. Does that mean that I will look down on others for not making this choice? NO! Hello, I was just like you all a couple weeks ago!! God speaks to each and every person about things in their life when he feels that it is time. We are all on a different walk, and our journeys will take us to different places at different times. This is a new road in our journey, and I am very excited about it!
Growing up, I never really thought about modesty. In my teenage years I became more modest, though I think it had to do more with low self-esteem than covering to be modest. As I gained confidence, my clothes became cuter, I wore more makeup, and eventually skimpier clothes. When I met my (now) husband, he never mentioned my clothes and was a perfect gentleman. We were friends for months and he never said a word about my clothing until we were officially dating. Just a couple months into our relationship, he refused to allow me to leave my house until I put something over a low cut top. This was the first time I saw him protective over my body. At the time I found it funny. At the time, though I had always heard "you don't know what it does to a guy", I didn't fully understand what that was.
Years later, I heard about how many men struggle with being too drawn to visual stimuli. After reading books about it, I began to fully understand why men are so protective over the women in their lives. Men aren't trying to stifle us women, they are trying to protect us, and themselves.
Shortly after becoming more aware of the issues surrounding how women attract men, we changed the clothing rules in our home. No shorts or skirts shorter than two inches above the knee. If it is shorter, then there must be another layer underneath that provides full coverage. Simple enough, but still, my daughter (age 5 at the time) received many questions from friends about why her shorts were so long. As a mom, I heard many comments similar to "it shouldn't matter, boys don't look at this age anyways." Well, as a mom, I wanted our rules to just stay consistent, not have to change once her body started changing when she got older.
Fast forward to the present time. Boys are noticing my oldest girl, now almost age nine. My six year old son is already noticing girls and has for awhile. So, yes, boys this young ARE noticing girls, and YES it is important for my daughters to dress modestly.
Have I been a good example of this? Not really. Yes, I have stuck to the household rules about the length of skirts and shorts, but we forgot a major part. We forgot to really think about modest tops. While I was aware of this, and made sure not to wear anything too low cut, I didn't make sure that it was providing full coverage at all times. See, us women tend to look in the mirror straight on. That is not a clear view of how men see us when we move around.
I have heard many many times things along the lines of "not my problem, I am dressed okay, if he is lusting then that's his problem". Though I used to think the same thing, I do not any longer. Just recently I had a huge change of thinking on this, and here is a little story about why:
Recently, I was at church, very hot, and sweating badly underneath under my sweater. Since my sweater was so extremely modest, I completely forgot that what was underneath was not modest at all. While in a hallway with just a few people, I unbuttoned my sweater and started fanning myself, without ever looking down. Then I saw a guy coming from the other direction, his eyes widened, and he turned and ducked back into another room. I instantly realized what I had done, turned and went into a nearby bathroom to cool off.
I have already learned that once men see something, it can be hard for them to erase that image. Guys are extremely visual. God made them that way. God made them to enjoy looking at a woman's body. However, I don't believe that men should be able to lust over every woman's body that comes around. Yes they will see them. Yes they will be tempted. But what happens if us women take the responsibility upon ourselves to help the guys with this temptation? What happens if we realize that us women are the ones partially causing the men to sin? What happens if we think of modesty as not only respecting ourselves and our spouse, but also the men and their wives that we are tempting by not dressing modestly? Am I responsible for any possible lusting or visual distraction I gave that man at church in that hallway? Yes, I am 100% responsible for any impure thoughts or images he may have had. He would not have had them at that moment if I wouldn't have unbuttoned my sweater. This entire situation, though it was just a small moment in time, had a lasting impact on me. It was something I was sorry for immediately, but this sort of thing isn't the type of thing you just walk up to a man and say "I'm sorry for flashing my cleavage at you and tempting you."
During the last few weeks, I have been doing more research on modesty. I have read the Bible, looked at modesty blogs, surveys, read men's opinions, and prayed about it. In the end, I feel like God used what happened at church that morning to open my eyes to an ongoing problem. I have been taking actions within our household to once again change our modesty rules.
We are going to start treating our bodies with respect. We have specific new rules regarding clothing, which I will not go into detail about right now. We are in transition at this point while we accumulate, buy, and make new clothing to fit within our guidelines. So for now, we are making due with what we have. Surprisingly, we are doing quite well and really enjoying this new style! For my girls, it isn't much different than their old style. My girls love dresses and skirts and have no problem wearing them every day. Is that to say that we won't be wearing pants? No. We will wear them, just not as often. Will we still wear workout clothes? YES!!! I LOVE my yoga pants! However, those will only be worn for working out or cleaning. NOT to go to the store, choir or sports practice, or homeschool events.
Today was my first day wearing a skirt to a homeschool class. I had a few people as me why I was so dressed up. I just smiled and said I was trying to get away from dressing frumpy and wearing workout clothes all the time. Then I realized that I had JUST described each and every mom in the hallway. OOPS!!!!! I could have answered that question a different way, but I just don't want people to think of me as a super conservative Christian woman. I have heard many skirt wearing women referred to like that, and be seen as unapproachable, holier than thou people, even though these women are very open and willing to talk about their beliefs. I want people to know that while my clothing is becoming more girly, I am still the same person I was two weeks ago. I have not changed who I am. I have just changed my style.
We are making these decisions for our own family because it is something that God has lead us to. Does that mean that I will look down on others for not making this choice? NO! Hello, I was just like you all a couple weeks ago!! God speaks to each and every person about things in their life when he feels that it is time. We are all on a different walk, and our journeys will take us to different places at different times. This is a new road in our journey, and I am very excited about it!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Life Goes On
Well, I had great intentions of blogging once a week, all fall. As usual I was not consistent and did not follow through. I planned to blog about my efforts of getting healthy, and staying accountable to myself. I was about as inconsistent in my blogging as I was in my diet. However, I did still make some changes.
I have gone through bouts of being pop free but in the end, I am having at least a little pop nearly every day. I have definitely lowered the portions of food that I eat. My workouts have not been good at all. Between taking care of family issues, my own health matters, sick children, and bad weather, I just have not been able to make it to the gym on a regular basis. As I write this, it has been over a month since I have made it to the gym. However, I have been able to do some workouts at home, whether it be shoveling snow, doing Wii Dance, or just simply using free weights and calisthenics.
The biggest change over the last few months, has not been on the scale or in my measurements. It has been in my meat consumption. In an effort to scare me from eating chemical filled foods, I started watching food documentaries. Some of these shows were so disgusting that it made me completely stop eating meat. Well, mostly stop eating meat. I went three weeks without meat. After that, I had a few bites of meat once a week, then went up to a couple times a week, and eventually started using meat more as a garnish to my meals than a main focal point. On special occasion, I have been known to have a steak while out to dinner, but that is a rare occasion.
In all of this I made a huge discovery. I have struggled with severe headaches/migraines my entire life. We never knew what caused them, it was just something I always had, and learned to deal with it. When I started adding meat back into my diet, I noticed something quite eye opening. My headaches only came when I ate pork. Each and every single time, even if I only had a bite or two of pork. This was quite eye opening, because my daughter is allergic to pork, amongst many other foods. Though her reaction is hives, I am almost astounded that I did not even begin to wonder if my headaches were really a food allergy. So now that I know I am allergic to pork, it has been taken out of my diet.
Though this fall and winter were a big speed bump on my journey to get healthy, I am positive that this spring I will get back on the road, figuratively and literally. I added up last years miles, and I biked roughly 200 miles from late April-early November. This year, I hope to do at least 500 miles. Though that sounds like a high goal, I feel that it is 100% reachable.
Last year I lost 28 pounds. While it is not what I had hoped to lose, it isn't really something to be ashamed of. It is still a great number and something to be proud of! I hope that this year I can lose at least that amount again, if not more!
And so, life goes on...This life will continue to change. I will continue to change. Since I am obviously not good at keeping up with a blog when I tell everyone I will keep up with it, I am just gonna stop telling everyone I will keep up with it. I do hope to keep up with it though. I am going to stop thinking of it as a way to update family and friends, and more of a way to keep track of my changes on a day to day basis. When I think of it as updating friends and family, I tend to be long winded. I know, I know, that's just my personality and I will never stop being that way...However, I wonder if I think of it as it being more for myself then maybe I will feel more like I can just sit down and type for 5 minutes instead of an hour. So, here is my plan: I will write. If you want to keep up with what is going on, then you will have to make the effort to follow me. This will probably be the last post that I link to on Facebook for quite awhile.
I have gone through bouts of being pop free but in the end, I am having at least a little pop nearly every day. I have definitely lowered the portions of food that I eat. My workouts have not been good at all. Between taking care of family issues, my own health matters, sick children, and bad weather, I just have not been able to make it to the gym on a regular basis. As I write this, it has been over a month since I have made it to the gym. However, I have been able to do some workouts at home, whether it be shoveling snow, doing Wii Dance, or just simply using free weights and calisthenics.
The biggest change over the last few months, has not been on the scale or in my measurements. It has been in my meat consumption. In an effort to scare me from eating chemical filled foods, I started watching food documentaries. Some of these shows were so disgusting that it made me completely stop eating meat. Well, mostly stop eating meat. I went three weeks without meat. After that, I had a few bites of meat once a week, then went up to a couple times a week, and eventually started using meat more as a garnish to my meals than a main focal point. On special occasion, I have been known to have a steak while out to dinner, but that is a rare occasion.
In all of this I made a huge discovery. I have struggled with severe headaches/migraines my entire life. We never knew what caused them, it was just something I always had, and learned to deal with it. When I started adding meat back into my diet, I noticed something quite eye opening. My headaches only came when I ate pork. Each and every single time, even if I only had a bite or two of pork. This was quite eye opening, because my daughter is allergic to pork, amongst many other foods. Though her reaction is hives, I am almost astounded that I did not even begin to wonder if my headaches were really a food allergy. So now that I know I am allergic to pork, it has been taken out of my diet.
Though this fall and winter were a big speed bump on my journey to get healthy, I am positive that this spring I will get back on the road, figuratively and literally. I added up last years miles, and I biked roughly 200 miles from late April-early November. This year, I hope to do at least 500 miles. Though that sounds like a high goal, I feel that it is 100% reachable.
Last year I lost 28 pounds. While it is not what I had hoped to lose, it isn't really something to be ashamed of. It is still a great number and something to be proud of! I hope that this year I can lose at least that amount again, if not more!
And so, life goes on...This life will continue to change. I will continue to change. Since I am obviously not good at keeping up with a blog when I tell everyone I will keep up with it, I am just gonna stop telling everyone I will keep up with it. I do hope to keep up with it though. I am going to stop thinking of it as a way to update family and friends, and more of a way to keep track of my changes on a day to day basis. When I think of it as updating friends and family, I tend to be long winded. I know, I know, that's just my personality and I will never stop being that way...However, I wonder if I think of it as it being more for myself then maybe I will feel more like I can just sit down and type for 5 minutes instead of an hour. So, here is my plan: I will write. If you want to keep up with what is going on, then you will have to make the effort to follow me. This will probably be the last post that I link to on Facebook for quite awhile.
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