Yesterday I was confident that I was going to let this happen naturally. I have been trying things to induce labor and nothing is working. This morning I didn't feel good and laid in bed after yet another night of laboring (though not as hard or long as the previous night). Around 1pm, I decided that I would get up and work my tail off today. Surely that would put me into labor, right?! I worked hard, cleaning, organizing, moving furniture, doing dishes and a few loads of laundry. After six hours, still nothing. Just the normal contractions I have had for months during other pregnancies.
This is frustrating. I now see why women just opt for the D&C day surgery. While I know God can handle this and that he will in his own time, I don't want to wait. I have family coming in town in four days. I want to be recovered when they arrive, or at least beginning to recover. Even if I wait to naturally miscarry, it could take up to another couple weeks. Then I just have to hope everything comes out at once, or I will still have to go in for a D&C. So while I feel selfish saying this cause I am taking away God's power to do this in his timing, I am opting for the surgery.
Tomorrow morning I am scheduled to see the doctor so she can be sure everything is miscarrying fine. Since that hasn't even started, I am going to discuss surgery. I am hoping the hospital has an opening within the next couple days. I want to be on the road to recovery when my cousin arrives. I feel incredibly selfish right now, but I am just so frustrated. Frustrated that God allowed us to think this was meant to be. That the name we decided on meant "God's Gift" because we truly felt this was an unexpected gift from him. That now we find out that there wasn't a gift at all, what we named was a huge empty space. We are the skeptical couple who never gets excited till we are confident that things are going well and baby will be okay. Why did God allow us to think differently about this one? Why did this have to happen at all? I know God has a reason for everything in life, but I just can't think of a good reason for this.
People say that losing a blighted ovum is easier than losing a baby. How?! How is it easier to tell your 9 & 6yr old that you were never really pregnant after they suspected you were and had already told some of their friends. They don't understand how I can be pregnant but no baby. It would probably be easier to say the baby died. At least that they would understand. If there had been a baby, at least I wouldn't feel like all the morning sickness, huge stomach, and 8 weeks of missed workouts weren't for nothing. I feel like I have lost two months of my life for nothing. Like my kids suffered, stuck in front of the tv for nothing. Why did they have to sit and deal with an emotionally unstable mom for two months just for an empty blob?
The entire situation makes me want to cry, scream, and go crawl in a hole all at the same time. I am more mad about what this has done to my kids than I am about not having a new baby. When trying to look at the bright side, I can at least think of one thing. My three year old is clueless as to what is happening. Yes she knows mommy has been emotionally unstable but that's it. She wasn't excited over a new baby. She didn't know why mom's belly was getting big (though she did mention it one time). She wasn't talking to friends about it. She was just living her happy go lucky three year old life. In her mind, life is perfect.
Monday, June 30, 2014
My blighted ovum
(Written on 6/29/14, but waited to decide if I really wanted to post it or not.)
The last few months have been busy prepping for our ten year anniversary vow renewal. Amongst that we also have had swimming, baseball, and out of state visitors. It has been a whirlwind few months. When we weren't busy with those things, we spent most of our time home with me being sick or too tired to do anything.
Why was I sick? Well, I was pregnant. For the 6th time. Second time this year. Guess that natural family planning thing that has gone excellent for us for the last few years isn't going so well this year. I lost the other pregnancy at six weeks. I never got really sick with it, though I did have symptoms. The main symptom was changing tastes and a strong craving for mustard even though I normally could care less about mustard. Hence, that baby got the nickname Mustard. Since I wasn't horribly sick, we weren't too shocked when I lost it. It wasn't my first time, and our youngest child had a rough pregnancy from the start so we just felt this one wasn't a strong enough pregnancy to make it.
Now, back to that 6th pregnancy. I didn't even realize I was pregnant till I missed a period. I have NEVER missed a period the first month of being pregnant, but I did this time. I also have never had a urine pregnancy test come up positive, but since I had one laying around from earlier in the year, I decided to take one. It was positive within 20 seconds!! Though I was in shock, not really wanting to be pregnant, have to start changing diapers again, and all those things that go along with a baby, I was relieved. I figured that if my levels were high enough to show a positive pregnancy test, then this would be a healthy pregnancy and we wouldn't have to go through another loss.
Almost immediately my muscles gave way and I started gaining inches. It was all I could do to squeeze into my bustier/girdle thing for the renewal. My belly was so squished! Every day I had to choose my clothing depending on who I was going to see. Baggy if I was seeing someone who hadn't already guessed, or normal clothes for those who knew. By week 6 I had gained a whopping three inches and it looked like a basketball, not flub. It was getting so hard to hide, so I kinda stuck to the rule of not seeing anyone who didn't already know unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully life was so busy that my friends didn't really realize I was ignoring them and pushing off playdates.
At my request, the doctor blood work early (8wks instead of 11wks) due to previous complications. We eliminated complications from a blood disorder that my Grandmother has, but found out my progesterone was very low. The doctor wanted to see me. Two days later I laid on a table and had my first ultrasound. Nothing. Just a big black empty space. Knowing it was early, I wasn't afraid but was slightly concerned because we should have been able to see a "bean". The doctor put me on some pretty expensive medicine in hopes that things would be okay after it was in my system and baby would start growing fast enough for us to see. She also scheduled more labs and another ultrasound.
So, on the medicine I went. It made me feel horribly sick all night and till afternoon the next day. I only felt good in the evenings. But it was worth it if it would result in a healthy baby. A week later we found out that my HCG levels had lowered. I was concerned, but also read stories on the internet of those levels coming back and resulting in healthy babies. That gave me hope. By now my husband and I had come to terms with another baby. We have gotten a new crib, onesies, maternity clothes, and it all just felt it was coming together. Sure it was a boy and having never been wrong on my feeling about this, he even had a first name.
A week later my hubby and I go to our second ultrasound. Almost immediately the technician asks if this was our first peek. I informed her of the situation, what I had read about blighted ovums and how the doctor already asked me two days prior to stop medicine and let it miscarry, but that we decided to wait on one more set of labs and ultrasound just to be sure we weren't missing a baby. She did the most thorough ultrasound I have ever seen. She went through layer by later looking for anything that could resemble a baby or fetal pole. Nothing. Then she switched to blood flow mode to see if there was anything flowing through my uterus. Nothing. No baby at all. No hopes of a baby. Nothing we can do. Now it is time to let go and either schedule a D&C or let it naturally miscarry.
I stopped the medicine that night. The next day contraction started. It has been three days. I have been having labor pains on and off the entire time. Last night I was up all night in labor, just to have it stop around 6am. Today has been fine so far. It's frustrating. I just want to be done. I had hoped to get this over with while hubby was off work for the weekend. I don't want to do this during the week when I am home alone caring for 3 kids. I am now ten weeks. It is not going to be an easy miscarriage like the 6wk one earlier this year. I wish I could just schedule when this happens. Yes, I could go have it surgically done, but I feel that if God gave us this pregnancy, then God will handle this end of it as well just like he has with my last two miscarriages. I just hate waiting games. It's frustrating and emotional. I just want to be done.
The last few months have been busy prepping for our ten year anniversary vow renewal. Amongst that we also have had swimming, baseball, and out of state visitors. It has been a whirlwind few months. When we weren't busy with those things, we spent most of our time home with me being sick or too tired to do anything.
Why was I sick? Well, I was pregnant. For the 6th time. Second time this year. Guess that natural family planning thing that has gone excellent for us for the last few years isn't going so well this year. I lost the other pregnancy at six weeks. I never got really sick with it, though I did have symptoms. The main symptom was changing tastes and a strong craving for mustard even though I normally could care less about mustard. Hence, that baby got the nickname Mustard. Since I wasn't horribly sick, we weren't too shocked when I lost it. It wasn't my first time, and our youngest child had a rough pregnancy from the start so we just felt this one wasn't a strong enough pregnancy to make it.
Now, back to that 6th pregnancy. I didn't even realize I was pregnant till I missed a period. I have NEVER missed a period the first month of being pregnant, but I did this time. I also have never had a urine pregnancy test come up positive, but since I had one laying around from earlier in the year, I decided to take one. It was positive within 20 seconds!! Though I was in shock, not really wanting to be pregnant, have to start changing diapers again, and all those things that go along with a baby, I was relieved. I figured that if my levels were high enough to show a positive pregnancy test, then this would be a healthy pregnancy and we wouldn't have to go through another loss.
Almost immediately my muscles gave way and I started gaining inches. It was all I could do to squeeze into my bustier/girdle thing for the renewal. My belly was so squished! Every day I had to choose my clothing depending on who I was going to see. Baggy if I was seeing someone who hadn't already guessed, or normal clothes for those who knew. By week 6 I had gained a whopping three inches and it looked like a basketball, not flub. It was getting so hard to hide, so I kinda stuck to the rule of not seeing anyone who didn't already know unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully life was so busy that my friends didn't really realize I was ignoring them and pushing off playdates.
At my request, the doctor blood work early (8wks instead of 11wks) due to previous complications. We eliminated complications from a blood disorder that my Grandmother has, but found out my progesterone was very low. The doctor wanted to see me. Two days later I laid on a table and had my first ultrasound. Nothing. Just a big black empty space. Knowing it was early, I wasn't afraid but was slightly concerned because we should have been able to see a "bean". The doctor put me on some pretty expensive medicine in hopes that things would be okay after it was in my system and baby would start growing fast enough for us to see. She also scheduled more labs and another ultrasound.
So, on the medicine I went. It made me feel horribly sick all night and till afternoon the next day. I only felt good in the evenings. But it was worth it if it would result in a healthy baby. A week later we found out that my HCG levels had lowered. I was concerned, but also read stories on the internet of those levels coming back and resulting in healthy babies. That gave me hope. By now my husband and I had come to terms with another baby. We have gotten a new crib, onesies, maternity clothes, and it all just felt it was coming together. Sure it was a boy and having never been wrong on my feeling about this, he even had a first name.
A week later my hubby and I go to our second ultrasound. Almost immediately the technician asks if this was our first peek. I informed her of the situation, what I had read about blighted ovums and how the doctor already asked me two days prior to stop medicine and let it miscarry, but that we decided to wait on one more set of labs and ultrasound just to be sure we weren't missing a baby. She did the most thorough ultrasound I have ever seen. She went through layer by later looking for anything that could resemble a baby or fetal pole. Nothing. Then she switched to blood flow mode to see if there was anything flowing through my uterus. Nothing. No baby at all. No hopes of a baby. Nothing we can do. Now it is time to let go and either schedule a D&C or let it naturally miscarry.
I stopped the medicine that night. The next day contraction started. It has been three days. I have been having labor pains on and off the entire time. Last night I was up all night in labor, just to have it stop around 6am. Today has been fine so far. It's frustrating. I just want to be done. I had hoped to get this over with while hubby was off work for the weekend. I don't want to do this during the week when I am home alone caring for 3 kids. I am now ten weeks. It is not going to be an easy miscarriage like the 6wk one earlier this year. I wish I could just schedule when this happens. Yes, I could go have it surgically done, but I feel that if God gave us this pregnancy, then God will handle this end of it as well just like he has with my last two miscarriages. I just hate waiting games. It's frustrating and emotional. I just want to be done.
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