From stressed to extremely thankful.

As I sit here thinking back on the last few months, I think I have gone through just about every emotion possible. I have had some really low days and some really high days. As I have searched to find meaning in this last pregnancy, I have learned many things.

It isn't our job to understand why God allows things to happen. Maybe God allows these things to happen for smaller reasons than we would like. Maybe that reason is to simply bring us closer to him and to each other.

As I have gone through these emotions, I have had a friend right there with me going through this as well. We have both lost two babies this year. It's tough. Knowing that a friend is going through the exact same thing as you is heartbreaking and comforting at the same time. I am glad that we have each other to lean upon during these days.

Right now I am doing quite well. I think this loss has helped me to mellow out. I have always had a laid back personality, but I was stressing a lot the last few years. Always worried about what people thought of my house, kids, my friendship, and on and on the list goes. I tried so hard to make people happy, to give the best of me to everyone I came in contact with. When in reality, my stress probably showed way more than I ever imagined. My stress would get the better of me and I would snap, usually at my husband or kids. Having recently (2008, when we moved to Indiana) left all my friends in Oregon, I was so afraid of not having friends here that I would go the distance, giving of myself till I could give no more, even if other friends were advising me against it. I don't know why it took another pregnancy loss to realize how much I needed to let this stuff go, but I am glad I have realized this.

I am so much happier in my life now. I feel that all the stress is gone. I just don't care enough to stress, and I don't mean that in a depressing way. The changes in my life are subtle from the outside, but huge for those living in my house. For the first time ever, I am homeschooling my kids the exact way I have always wanted to. I have quiet mommy time on a daily basis for the first time ever. I am getting back to making nearly all of our food from scratch. I am surrounding myself only with people who enrich my life, not stress me out or contribute to drama. I am happy. Of course I still get emotional or cranky some days, but all in all, I am happy. Happy to be here. Happy that I have a great husband who is by my side through everything in life. Thankful for 3 beautiful children in our home, and the freedom to homeschool them. Thankful that homeschooling gives us time as a family during the day since we do not have evenings together. Thankful for friends who don't want to just see me as the outgoing personality I pretend to be most of the time. Thankful I have finally found a group of friends that I can be 100% real with, no matter what my mood that day.

This new less stressful life is making a difference in my kids as well. The kids are not as stressed. There is less yelling and fighting in the house. The kids are becoming even closer friends. Nothing warms a moms heart more than hearing her kids make up songs about how much they love one another and their parents. Watching your kids practice their secret sibling handshake over and over is priceless. These are moments I will cherish forever.

Looking back on my posts from this summer, I can see how much I have changed. I still don't understand everything, but I am so thankful that God has used these things to make me a better wife, mother and friend.