A few months ago our occupational therapist and I were both at a loss as to what to do with Squaky. We couldn't find anything else to help her calm down. Every day I felt like I was just running in circles trying to entertain, clean her messes, or discipline her. I was exhausted. The therapist suggested that we have a developmental specialist check her out just to be sure we weren't missing anything. Just to be sure that where she was slightly delayed now, didn't turn in to a large delay later on, because of something we missed. I agreed that it was a wise idea to just be sure. I scheduled the appointment, but it was a 3 month wait to get in with the specialist.
The day of the appointment there was blowing snow and frigid temperatures, just like last year when we had our single car accident. I really didn't want to go out, but knew how important this appointment was. Just ten minutes after leaving home, I spun out on the freeway. While I was nearly hyperventilating on the side of the road after we stopped, Squaky looked up from her game and said "Mom, why are we stopped? Why is that man coming over here? Mom, you made me lose my milk lid. Mom, just go! I don't want to sit here!" She had absolutely no idea what had happened. In some ways I was thankful. Thankful she did not see the spin and the cars & semis headed straight at us. Thankful she wouldn't be scared or have visions replaying in her head as I did. However, realizing how clueless she was made me even more determined to make it to the doctor's appointment.
After spending over two hours on horribly icy roads, we finally arrived at the Medical Genetics and Neurodevelopmental Center. We spent over an hour with the doctor. He was so kind and good with her. We went over all her medical history and therapies. When he finally laid her on the table to examine her body, he immediately said "I know exactly what's going on here!"
After a few more minutes of examining her body, he sat back down to tell me the diagnosis. Hemihypertrophy, brain asymmetry, and ADHD. Meaning, half of her brain is not the same size as the other half, and is causing her SPD & ADHD, amongst other things. He asked if I was symmetrical, because given her symptoms, he thought she has the genetic version which meant that she more than likely got it from me. I told him I wasn't sure. Later on I dug out old scans of my brain from when I had a concussion when I was 16 years old. Sure enough, it is very obvious that the two halves of my brain are not the same size at all.
So, what does this all mean? The first thing it meant was that she needed a kidney/bladder ultrasound to make sure she was functioning properly. We did that this last Tuesday. It was very clear in her ultrasound that she had some sort of mass just above her bladder. The technician couldn't tell me what it was. She left, spoke with the radiologist, and came back to take more pictures. She said that the radiologist wouldn't tell us what it was at that time, and we would have to wait till the doctor had the results and could talk with us. I asked if she could tell the density and she said it could be anywhere from a cyst to a tumor, she just simply could not tell, but that we should be expecting more tests.
While waiting for those results, as I'm sure any mom would do, I started researching these newly diagnosed disorders, and joining online support groups to connect with other parents. The information I found was scary. These puzzle pieces should have been put together long ago. Most kids with hemihypertrophy are diagnosed within the first few months. We had the signs. She had laryngomalacia, one leg longer than the other, hip hysplasia, and an enlarged liver for her size. Unfortunately, even though we were at a children's hospital, the pieces were still not pieced together. In some ways that makes me mad. In other ways, I am thankful. Had she been diagnosed at birth, we would have been having ultrasounds every 3 months, and blood draws every 6 weeks. Or at least that's what I am finding to be standard protocol for kids under age 4. We were spared a lot of radiation being put into her little body, and for that I am thankful.
After an excruciating few days of waiting, we finally were able to talk with the genetic counselor today (Friday). They have determined that the mass they found is just soft tissue growth and nothing to be concerned about at this time. Though quick growing abdominal tumors are a frequent side affect of hemihypertrophy, this does not look like one of those. So for now, we are good. Next week they will be calling me again to go over things more, but for now, they said I can rest easy knowing that she is healthy.
I have no idea where this new portion of our journey will take us, but I am thankful for good doctors and therapists who have the knowledge to help us. Without the therapist's suggestion we would have never made this discovery, and I am so thankful for her referral.
As we have new information, we will keep everyone updated. For now, we can just be thankful that she is healthy, and pray that she will continue to stay tumor free.
(Also, unless there is a need, we don't intend on telling our kids the severity of what could happen. These are not things they need to worry about. We want them to be worry free kids as long as they can be, so please don't talk to the kids about this. It is our hope that we will not ever have a need to tell them.)
Friday, February 20, 2015
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Update on Squakies medical issues
As we come upon Squaky's 4th birthday, I figured that I should update everyone on her medical conditions. It has been quite some time since my last update.
Laryngomalacia & Speech - This throat & breathing issue that was supposed to be cured as a baby may or may not have been. When she was younger, she had many problems eating properly. There is no proof that the two are related, but it seems very likely. Over the last 18 months or so, she has been going to therapy for this. She has finally mastered eating properly and now we are solely working on her speech. There are days that I feel like she is doing so well that we don't even really need therapy anymore. Then, I see her talking with other kids her age or younger and realize that while she has progressed greatly, she is still far behind her peers in speech. We continue to attend speech therapy weekly and probably will do so for a couple more years.
Hip Dysplasia - This is something she was born with. Her left hip was not formed properly and is something we have had to monitor at certain points in her life. The last x-ray we had was at age two. At that time, her hip appeared to be forming correctly. Also, her shorter leg had caught up to the longer one. Since all was looking good, the doctor told us that he wouldn't need to see her again till age four. Though he said he wouldn't need to see her for two years, he said that surgery could still be a real possibility. Kids with this problem can still learn to walk, run, and do other activities without a visible side effect. He said that we wouldn't know until age 4 what the outcome would be. We have the x-ray scheduled for the 18th. Our prayer request would be that things have formed normally and that surgery will not be necessary.
Sensory Processing Disorder - This is by far the disorder that affects our lives the most at this time in life. We have periods where her life is so out of control that we don't know how to help her. Currently, she is having problems getting to sleep. No matter how much therapy we work into her day, she just can't go to sleep. We have tried everything the therapist and I know to do (daily at home therapy, swimming, reading, chamomile tea, lavender oil, no tv, etc.). An exam by the pediatrician did not turn up anything else that would be causing this, so we are back to square one with this situation. We continue to experiment with essential oils and the doctor has requested that we go dairy free for a couple weeks to see if that helps. (A dairy & gluten free diet is very successful in helping SPD with many kids. We have just never tried it because our food choices are already so limited.) Until we find what helps her, or her senses return to normal function, unfortunately we have a super tired child on our hands that is so exhausted that she is hyper all day long. This is very trying to the entire family because it effects all of our sleep. Living in a small house, the other kids do not sleep well if they can hear Squaky up, and so they are staying up late every night as well.
Food Allergies - For those who don't know, she is allergic to: oat, apple, all berries, all melon (cucumber included), and pork. Just for good measure, we also don't feed her pears since it is a cousin of both the apple and the strawberry. Though she is allergic to a lot of things, eating (and shopping) is so much easier now. It took a long time to master, but I now know how to read labels very quickly while looking for the many names foods are hidden under. We also now only eat kosher foods, which helps matters so much. I used to think that eating kosher was really expensive and only found in the "Kosher" section of the store. About ten months ago, a friend showed me how to read kosher labels, and of course I researched it more on my own. I am so glad that I was told about the benefits of eating kosher, and shown that kosher foods are actually found in every aisle of the store. Before going kosher, we had many outbreaks that I could not explain. Once I found out that the Rabbi's who oversee companies that are kosher are very strict about cross-contamination, it made so much since why we should eat kosher. Since going kosher, we have not had a single unexplained outbreak. That is huge!! We used to have about one a month! Who knew so many foods could have cross contamination? Kinda scary when you think about it... Many people have asked me when we will start trying these foods again to see if she has outgrown them. At this time, I have no plans to start re-introducing these foods to her. She has had allergic reactions to accidentally sitting in someone's granola bar crumbs, a blue slurpee, and simply picking up an apple. This tells us that she is in fact still highly allergic to oats, berries, and apples.
So, I guess to sum it all up: We have gone from an infant who had trouble breathing, to a baby/todder covered in hives, to a very rambunctious little girl, who despite all these issues, lives a fairly normal life with near invisible disabilities. Though at times living with all these issues can be very stressful, it is the life we have come accustomed to. We love this little girl very much and all the hassles these conditions put us through are completely worth it.
Laryngomalacia & Speech - This throat & breathing issue that was supposed to be cured as a baby may or may not have been. When she was younger, she had many problems eating properly. There is no proof that the two are related, but it seems very likely. Over the last 18 months or so, she has been going to therapy for this. She has finally mastered eating properly and now we are solely working on her speech. There are days that I feel like she is doing so well that we don't even really need therapy anymore. Then, I see her talking with other kids her age or younger and realize that while she has progressed greatly, she is still far behind her peers in speech. We continue to attend speech therapy weekly and probably will do so for a couple more years.
Hip Dysplasia - This is something she was born with. Her left hip was not formed properly and is something we have had to monitor at certain points in her life. The last x-ray we had was at age two. At that time, her hip appeared to be forming correctly. Also, her shorter leg had caught up to the longer one. Since all was looking good, the doctor told us that he wouldn't need to see her again till age four. Though he said he wouldn't need to see her for two years, he said that surgery could still be a real possibility. Kids with this problem can still learn to walk, run, and do other activities without a visible side effect. He said that we wouldn't know until age 4 what the outcome would be. We have the x-ray scheduled for the 18th. Our prayer request would be that things have formed normally and that surgery will not be necessary.
Sensory Processing Disorder - This is by far the disorder that affects our lives the most at this time in life. We have periods where her life is so out of control that we don't know how to help her. Currently, she is having problems getting to sleep. No matter how much therapy we work into her day, she just can't go to sleep. We have tried everything the therapist and I know to do (daily at home therapy, swimming, reading, chamomile tea, lavender oil, no tv, etc.). An exam by the pediatrician did not turn up anything else that would be causing this, so we are back to square one with this situation. We continue to experiment with essential oils and the doctor has requested that we go dairy free for a couple weeks to see if that helps. (A dairy & gluten free diet is very successful in helping SPD with many kids. We have just never tried it because our food choices are already so limited.) Until we find what helps her, or her senses return to normal function, unfortunately we have a super tired child on our hands that is so exhausted that she is hyper all day long. This is very trying to the entire family because it effects all of our sleep. Living in a small house, the other kids do not sleep well if they can hear Squaky up, and so they are staying up late every night as well.
Food Allergies - For those who don't know, she is allergic to: oat, apple, all berries, all melon (cucumber included), and pork. Just for good measure, we also don't feed her pears since it is a cousin of both the apple and the strawberry. Though she is allergic to a lot of things, eating (and shopping) is so much easier now. It took a long time to master, but I now know how to read labels very quickly while looking for the many names foods are hidden under. We also now only eat kosher foods, which helps matters so much. I used to think that eating kosher was really expensive and only found in the "Kosher" section of the store. About ten months ago, a friend showed me how to read kosher labels, and of course I researched it more on my own. I am so glad that I was told about the benefits of eating kosher, and shown that kosher foods are actually found in every aisle of the store. Before going kosher, we had many outbreaks that I could not explain. Once I found out that the Rabbi's who oversee companies that are kosher are very strict about cross-contamination, it made so much since why we should eat kosher. Since going kosher, we have not had a single unexplained outbreak. That is huge!! We used to have about one a month! Who knew so many foods could have cross contamination? Kinda scary when you think about it... Many people have asked me when we will start trying these foods again to see if she has outgrown them. At this time, I have no plans to start re-introducing these foods to her. She has had allergic reactions to accidentally sitting in someone's granola bar crumbs, a blue slurpee, and simply picking up an apple. This tells us that she is in fact still highly allergic to oats, berries, and apples.
So, I guess to sum it all up: We have gone from an infant who had trouble breathing, to a baby/todder covered in hives, to a very rambunctious little girl, who despite all these issues, lives a fairly normal life with near invisible disabilities. Though at times living with all these issues can be very stressful, it is the life we have come accustomed to. We love this little girl very much and all the hassles these conditions put us through are completely worth it.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Big decisions for little people
It seems as though I tend to write more when I am sad, angry or exhausted. I don't take the time often enough to post when I am happy and things are going great. Probably because during those times, I don't take time to sit and relax after the kids go to bed. During those times, I bake, sing, talk on the phone, and do other "fun" things that I like after the kids go to bed. So here I sit, after another exhausting night and wanting to write. Though there is plenty of negative frustrations to write about, there are also some great things going on that I NEED to write about.
Though this has really been in the works for over a year; within the last month my oldest really got to talking about baptism. With her being a mere 9yrs old, I was afraid of her making decisions she did not fully understand the gravity of. So, keeping with my main parenting philosophy, I just answered her questions without giving more information than what she asked for. The questions got deeper and deeper and eventually I realized that she may actually be ready to start making big decisions on her own, or at least this one. She asked me if she could plan a date to become baptized. I told her I didn't know if she was mature enough and that I wanted her to speak with a pastor who would then decide if they thought she was truly understanding what she was doing. Little did I know, she had been speaking with this pastor for quite some time about it and they were just waiting for the call.
During one of these times of questioning, my 6yr old randomly said he wanted to be baptized as well. I just kind of mentally brushed his comment aside assuming he just wanted to be like his sister, and his desire for this would go away. It didn't. Two days later he was getting very adamant that he needed to be baptized at the same time as her. I wasn't sure what to think. I am very skeptical about letting a child get baptized before they are truly ready. I wouldn't ever want someone to do it to fit in, or because they felt pressure. I needed to be sure he wasn't feeling any of those feelings. At bedtime that night, I sat on his bed and asked why he wanted to be baptized. His answer blew me away. He said "Well mom, I feel like God is calling me to be a pastor and spread his word. The first step to doing that is getting baptized, and it's time I do that and get to work on becoming a pastor." UMMMM, WHAT?! You are six, SIX! You know what God wants you to do with your life?! Okay, I didn't really say that out loud, but that is what was going through my head.
So of course, both kids met with their children's pastor and the meeting went great. We scheduled the baptism for Monday. What?! Not Sunday?! Well, this is THEIR baptism, not mine. I wanted it on Sunday. I wanted the music, the applause and all that, even though I knew I would be an emotional wreck. But this wasn't up to me. This wasn't my decision. I can't tell my kids how to become baptized. I can't tell them how to live life like a christian. It is between them and God. I made my decision years ago. I had my Sunday baptism. I got what I wanted, and now it was their turn. The first big decision of their lives, and as much as I wanted to control how it happened, I couldn't. I didn't even try. I just sat on the sidelines and supported them. As a parent of young kids, that can be so hard to do. I never imagined I would be watching my young 6 & 9yr olds start taking control over their lives at such a young age.
Since this time, my 6yr old has made some remarkable changes. He is taking what he feels is his calling very seriously. His favorite game is "Tell me what to find in the Bible" and then he locates it and has you read it to him. Sometimes he will read it himself. For a kid who has REFUSED to learn to read for two years now, this is huge. He has no interest in reading anything other than the Bible. He carries his Bible everywhere. The grocery store, friends' houses, the car, and every where else he goes. Today I had to forbid him to take it to his class. I had to explain there there is a time to learn the Bible, and there is a time to learn Science, and that the Bible does not need to be carried on a Science hike. His response? "But mom, God created Science, so the Bible has a lot to do with it, so I think I still need it in case we need to look something up."
Oh. My. Goodness!!! Am I really equipped to keep up with this kid?! What do you say to him when he comes up with answers like that? Did God really choose ME to raise a pastor? I am so not the person for this job!!
Though, if it is God's will, then I guess I am the person for this job. I know God will give me the equipment to do it and not screw it up. The thought of my kid becoming a preacher is exhilarating and frightening at the same time. I have to remind myself not to put too much emphasis on this because if I do, it could push him from following God's will. I am just trying to do what I always do. Answer what they want to know, without pushing them beyond what they are capable of understanding, supporting them in what they want & need to do in life, and praying to God that somehow it all works to his glory no matter what my kids' professions end up being in the future.
We serve a mighty, all knowing God. He knows how this will all work out. For now, I just have to sit back and be extremely thankful and proud of my children for giving their lives to Christ.
Though this has really been in the works for over a year; within the last month my oldest really got to talking about baptism. With her being a mere 9yrs old, I was afraid of her making decisions she did not fully understand the gravity of. So, keeping with my main parenting philosophy, I just answered her questions without giving more information than what she asked for. The questions got deeper and deeper and eventually I realized that she may actually be ready to start making big decisions on her own, or at least this one. She asked me if she could plan a date to become baptized. I told her I didn't know if she was mature enough and that I wanted her to speak with a pastor who would then decide if they thought she was truly understanding what she was doing. Little did I know, she had been speaking with this pastor for quite some time about it and they were just waiting for the call.
During one of these times of questioning, my 6yr old randomly said he wanted to be baptized as well. I just kind of mentally brushed his comment aside assuming he just wanted to be like his sister, and his desire for this would go away. It didn't. Two days later he was getting very adamant that he needed to be baptized at the same time as her. I wasn't sure what to think. I am very skeptical about letting a child get baptized before they are truly ready. I wouldn't ever want someone to do it to fit in, or because they felt pressure. I needed to be sure he wasn't feeling any of those feelings. At bedtime that night, I sat on his bed and asked why he wanted to be baptized. His answer blew me away. He said "Well mom, I feel like God is calling me to be a pastor and spread his word. The first step to doing that is getting baptized, and it's time I do that and get to work on becoming a pastor." UMMMM, WHAT?! You are six, SIX! You know what God wants you to do with your life?! Okay, I didn't really say that out loud, but that is what was going through my head.
So of course, both kids met with their children's pastor and the meeting went great. We scheduled the baptism for Monday. What?! Not Sunday?! Well, this is THEIR baptism, not mine. I wanted it on Sunday. I wanted the music, the applause and all that, even though I knew I would be an emotional wreck. But this wasn't up to me. This wasn't my decision. I can't tell my kids how to become baptized. I can't tell them how to live life like a christian. It is between them and God. I made my decision years ago. I had my Sunday baptism. I got what I wanted, and now it was their turn. The first big decision of their lives, and as much as I wanted to control how it happened, I couldn't. I didn't even try. I just sat on the sidelines and supported them. As a parent of young kids, that can be so hard to do. I never imagined I would be watching my young 6 & 9yr olds start taking control over their lives at such a young age.
Since this time, my 6yr old has made some remarkable changes. He is taking what he feels is his calling very seriously. His favorite game is "Tell me what to find in the Bible" and then he locates it and has you read it to him. Sometimes he will read it himself. For a kid who has REFUSED to learn to read for two years now, this is huge. He has no interest in reading anything other than the Bible. He carries his Bible everywhere. The grocery store, friends' houses, the car, and every where else he goes. Today I had to forbid him to take it to his class. I had to explain there there is a time to learn the Bible, and there is a time to learn Science, and that the Bible does not need to be carried on a Science hike. His response? "But mom, God created Science, so the Bible has a lot to do with it, so I think I still need it in case we need to look something up."
Oh. My. Goodness!!! Am I really equipped to keep up with this kid?! What do you say to him when he comes up with answers like that? Did God really choose ME to raise a pastor? I am so not the person for this job!!
Though, if it is God's will, then I guess I am the person for this job. I know God will give me the equipment to do it and not screw it up. The thought of my kid becoming a preacher is exhilarating and frightening at the same time. I have to remind myself not to put too much emphasis on this because if I do, it could push him from following God's will. I am just trying to do what I always do. Answer what they want to know, without pushing them beyond what they are capable of understanding, supporting them in what they want & need to do in life, and praying to God that somehow it all works to his glory no matter what my kids' professions end up being in the future.
We serve a mighty, all knowing God. He knows how this will all work out. For now, I just have to sit back and be extremely thankful and proud of my children for giving their lives to Christ.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
From stressed to extremely thankful.
As I sit here thinking back on the last few months, I think I have gone through just about every emotion possible. I have had some really low days and some really high days. As I have searched to find meaning in this last pregnancy, I have learned many things.
It isn't our job to understand why God allows things to happen. Maybe God allows these things to happen for smaller reasons than we would like. Maybe that reason is to simply bring us closer to him and to each other.
As I have gone through these emotions, I have had a friend right there with me going through this as well. We have both lost two babies this year. It's tough. Knowing that a friend is going through the exact same thing as you is heartbreaking and comforting at the same time. I am glad that we have each other to lean upon during these days.
Right now I am doing quite well. I think this loss has helped me to mellow out. I have always had a laid back personality, but I was stressing a lot the last few years. Always worried about what people thought of my house, kids, my friendship, and on and on the list goes. I tried so hard to make people happy, to give the best of me to everyone I came in contact with. When in reality, my stress probably showed way more than I ever imagined. My stress would get the better of me and I would snap, usually at my husband or kids. Having recently (2008, when we moved to Indiana) left all my friends in Oregon, I was so afraid of not having friends here that I would go the distance, giving of myself till I could give no more, even if other friends were advising me against it. I don't know why it took another pregnancy loss to realize how much I needed to let this stuff go, but I am glad I have realized this.
I am so much happier in my life now. I feel that all the stress is gone. I just don't care enough to stress, and I don't mean that in a depressing way. The changes in my life are subtle from the outside, but huge for those living in my house. For the first time ever, I am homeschooling my kids the exact way I have always wanted to. I have quiet mommy time on a daily basis for the first time ever. I am getting back to making nearly all of our food from scratch. I am surrounding myself only with people who enrich my life, not stress me out or contribute to drama. I am happy. Of course I still get emotional or cranky some days, but all in all, I am happy. Happy to be here. Happy that I have a great husband who is by my side through everything in life. Thankful for 3 beautiful children in our home, and the freedom to homeschool them. Thankful that homeschooling gives us time as a family during the day since we do not have evenings together. Thankful for friends who don't want to just see me as the outgoing personality I pretend to be most of the time. Thankful I have finally found a group of friends that I can be 100% real with, no matter what my mood that day.
This new less stressful life is making a difference in my kids as well. The kids are not as stressed. There is less yelling and fighting in the house. The kids are becoming even closer friends. Nothing warms a moms heart more than hearing her kids make up songs about how much they love one another and their parents. Watching your kids practice their secret sibling handshake over and over is priceless. These are moments I will cherish forever.
Looking back on my posts from this summer, I can see how much I have changed. I still don't understand everything, but I am so thankful that God has used these things to make me a better wife, mother and friend.
It isn't our job to understand why God allows things to happen. Maybe God allows these things to happen for smaller reasons than we would like. Maybe that reason is to simply bring us closer to him and to each other.
As I have gone through these emotions, I have had a friend right there with me going through this as well. We have both lost two babies this year. It's tough. Knowing that a friend is going through the exact same thing as you is heartbreaking and comforting at the same time. I am glad that we have each other to lean upon during these days.
Right now I am doing quite well. I think this loss has helped me to mellow out. I have always had a laid back personality, but I was stressing a lot the last few years. Always worried about what people thought of my house, kids, my friendship, and on and on the list goes. I tried so hard to make people happy, to give the best of me to everyone I came in contact with. When in reality, my stress probably showed way more than I ever imagined. My stress would get the better of me and I would snap, usually at my husband or kids. Having recently (2008, when we moved to Indiana) left all my friends in Oregon, I was so afraid of not having friends here that I would go the distance, giving of myself till I could give no more, even if other friends were advising me against it. I don't know why it took another pregnancy loss to realize how much I needed to let this stuff go, but I am glad I have realized this.
I am so much happier in my life now. I feel that all the stress is gone. I just don't care enough to stress, and I don't mean that in a depressing way. The changes in my life are subtle from the outside, but huge for those living in my house. For the first time ever, I am homeschooling my kids the exact way I have always wanted to. I have quiet mommy time on a daily basis for the first time ever. I am getting back to making nearly all of our food from scratch. I am surrounding myself only with people who enrich my life, not stress me out or contribute to drama. I am happy. Of course I still get emotional or cranky some days, but all in all, I am happy. Happy to be here. Happy that I have a great husband who is by my side through everything in life. Thankful for 3 beautiful children in our home, and the freedom to homeschool them. Thankful that homeschooling gives us time as a family during the day since we do not have evenings together. Thankful for friends who don't want to just see me as the outgoing personality I pretend to be most of the time. Thankful I have finally found a group of friends that I can be 100% real with, no matter what my mood that day.
This new less stressful life is making a difference in my kids as well. The kids are not as stressed. There is less yelling and fighting in the house. The kids are becoming even closer friends. Nothing warms a moms heart more than hearing her kids make up songs about how much they love one another and their parents. Watching your kids practice their secret sibling handshake over and over is priceless. These are moments I will cherish forever.
Looking back on my posts from this summer, I can see how much I have changed. I still don't understand everything, but I am so thankful that God has used these things to make me a better wife, mother and friend.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Crazy time in life!
Well, I am now 18 days past surgery. I feel so much better! Come to find out those little antibiotic pills I was supposed to take after surgery were forgotten about and though I was supposed to take 2 a day for 14 days, I had only taken one! OOPS!! So, as soon as I realized this, I started taking them and felt better the next day. So glad the doctor mentioned it and I took them before I got an infection!
Though I have still been tired, I have been able to keep up with a crazy schedule of 4H, swim club & VBS. The last week or so has been crazy!! I have been gone almost every day, all day long. I have run on 4-6hrs of sleep most nights. Though it is all exhausting, it is worth it. The kids are learning some great life experiences.
Though I have still been tired, I have been able to keep up with a crazy schedule of 4H, swim club & VBS. The last week or so has been crazy!! I have been gone almost every day, all day long. I have run on 4-6hrs of sleep most nights. Though it is all exhausting, it is worth it. The kids are learning some great life experiences.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Recovery
Well, I am now 11 days past surgery. I would love to say that things are better emotionally but it's not. People say they will be there for you but in reality they aren't even there to talk with you when you need to talk. The person I have been closest with the last few months doesn't even listen to what I have to say for more than a few seconds before she goes into talking about her recent adoption. I don't think she realizes how frustrated and mad it makes me. In the same two week period she found out about an urgent adoption, I found out I was losing the pregnancy we thought was giving us a new baby. The last thing I want to hear about is her having "symptoms similar to a mom with a new baby". I am supposed to be the one becoming a new mom again, not her. I know she doesn't mean it but it feels like she is rubbing it in. What makes it the worst though is that she is ignorant to the fact that I need to talk through this. She has no idea how I am feeling because she hasn't taken the time to listen. I feel like I have not only lost the baby I thought I was having but I have also lost the close friendship I had because a new child entered her life and she no longer has time to be a friend to me.
Physically I am not recovered either. When they said I could return to normal activities in 48 hours, they must not have meant caring for a rambunctious three year old. People of course offered to help, but with it being the weekend of 4th of July, no one was really able to follow through with that offer. I had help the day of surgery and part of July 4th. My hubby was home that weekend but the kids still needed me. I tried to rest but with out of state family in town, it didn't really work out well. My three year old needed lifted up, carried and such things many times. Of course since I felt a little better, I didn't even think twice about it. After six days of this, I really felt it taking a toll. I felt horrible. My entire body was numb and weak. I got a couple extra hours of sleep and it seemed to help. Now, I sit here on day 12, still recovering. I am still weak and tire easily. I am using caffeine every day, all day long just to keep me up and functioning. I don't sleep well at night because of my emotions and I am sure that is not helping. Tomorrow I see the doctor. I had hoped for a clean bill of health and be allowed to resume my workouts. Unfortunately I don't think that will happen. I am frustrated with myself. I am frustrated I chose surgery during such a busy span of the summer. In some ways I wish I would have waited for my body to naturally miscarry. In reality though, I know that I would be much worse off if I would have chosen that route. I know there was no perfect answer in this situation. Every situation that was available to me was a hard route. I hate this hard road I am on. I hate not caring for my children they way I would like. I hate being mad at the world. I hate crying all the time. I hate that I don't have anyone to really talk to about this. I just hate this entire situation. I want it to all be over. I want my life back.
Physically I am not recovered either. When they said I could return to normal activities in 48 hours, they must not have meant caring for a rambunctious three year old. People of course offered to help, but with it being the weekend of 4th of July, no one was really able to follow through with that offer. I had help the day of surgery and part of July 4th. My hubby was home that weekend but the kids still needed me. I tried to rest but with out of state family in town, it didn't really work out well. My three year old needed lifted up, carried and such things many times. Of course since I felt a little better, I didn't even think twice about it. After six days of this, I really felt it taking a toll. I felt horrible. My entire body was numb and weak. I got a couple extra hours of sleep and it seemed to help. Now, I sit here on day 12, still recovering. I am still weak and tire easily. I am using caffeine every day, all day long just to keep me up and functioning. I don't sleep well at night because of my emotions and I am sure that is not helping. Tomorrow I see the doctor. I had hoped for a clean bill of health and be allowed to resume my workouts. Unfortunately I don't think that will happen. I am frustrated with myself. I am frustrated I chose surgery during such a busy span of the summer. In some ways I wish I would have waited for my body to naturally miscarry. In reality though, I know that I would be much worse off if I would have chosen that route. I know there was no perfect answer in this situation. Every situation that was available to me was a hard route. I hate this hard road I am on. I hate not caring for my children they way I would like. I hate being mad at the world. I hate crying all the time. I hate that I don't have anyone to really talk to about this. I just hate this entire situation. I want it to all be over. I want my life back.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Surgery
Today we went to the doctor again. A third ultrasound confirmed that though my uterus is still growing, there is no baby or fetal pole. We decided to go ahead with the D&C outpatient surgery. I am so thankful for good friends who stepped right up to take our children for the night/day. It is nice to know that everything is falling into place for my hubby to be with me at the hospital and at home for two days.
I feel so relieved to know that in just a few days I should start feeling better. It has been a long ten weeks of feeling sick. Though I am really sad for this loss, I am happy to finally have it all over. I am physically and emotionally drained.
I feel so relieved to know that in just a few days I should start feeling better. It has been a long ten weeks of feeling sick. Though I am really sad for this loss, I am happy to finally have it all over. I am physically and emotionally drained.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
